life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings
Don't Talk Like That...
I write to find out what my heart thinks.... I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say "Don't talk like that!"
Sometimes things are not how or what you expect them to
be. I thought this part of my life would
be about holding on. Holding on to
relationships, love, time, memories, but what I am learning is that it is
exactly the opposite. It is about
letting go! That concept is just now
beginning to show up in my work. Letting
go of the tight images, the perfect pretty pictures others perceive as good art and I thought they
expected from me. I want to embrace the
emotions and the feelings that are present in that moment. It is not about holding on. I want to live and be free enough to let it go
and express the feelings. Letting go of
expectations and living it all.
Another round with same reactions. And I wanted it so much not to be so....again.... How much life am I suppose to give up before we all agree this does not work. My body turns against me, and refuses to function, the world closes in and I do not want to wake up. The emotional pain is overwhelming, I cannot function, but my heart is beating...Is it worth it?
I have a purpose and I have so much more to
do. I can do this with strength, resolve
I can do this!
"I believe this is not the end of me,
this is the beginning! I believe today it is ok to not be ok. Hold on...hold on!"
"I Believe" Christina Perri
My wonderful little young, female doctor that in one breath says she adores my attitude and wishes more of her patients were like me and then in the next breath tells me I am in denial, and I am not wrapping my head around the danger and the seriousness of this. I carefully try to explain that I unserstand the denial and I like it......work with me! And now I think she will! We have got some work to do, some ugly meds getting added to the mix, that if I am lucky will stave off an even uglier procedure. Things are changing, I am just not sure I was ready for it to begin happening, although I have had plenty of time to get ready for this! I got to get busy I am here for a reason and I have a lot more to do!
And it is THAT time again.
Another crap load of tests and I sat for weeks while “they” decipher the
results. Here I go again, telling
myself it does not matter what they say…I know how I feel, and it is great, but still the closer it gets the more I wonder….how
is my heart really doing. Monday will be
.....and when I just cannot get it together
or I am so happy I canot hold still
I do the same thing.
Shake it....Shake it
All the right junk!
Come dance "really bad" with me!
Love teaching the Artist's Way...Love the creatives that become a part of my life....and love that they celebrate my bad dancing!
Everything breaks, everything changes, it is how I manage
the pieces that will define me. I struggle so much to hold on to my own self-esteem
and self-love. It seems to break when I
am feeling the least confident and unsure of myself. That is when the proverbial rug is pulled out
from under my feet. Do I accept the changes gracefully or do I
scramble like a mad woman to put things back the way they were? How will I know if I should embrace my brokenness
or fight for the way it used to be?
I am certain there will come a time when they will not
approve of what I have done, or how I have done it. I am claiming fully whatever I may or may
not have done, and know I did so with no
regret by living in the moment. My
intentions have never been to cause another living soul pain, but to enjoy my
life to its fullest extent. Right, wrong
or indifferent, you may rest assured I am living in the moment, with no regrets, and am having
the most marvelous life. I can not change the past, and I will not waste my present trying to control the future. peace in my heart....peace in my soul
A full moon makes halloween so much more scary! But I did have so many scary short people at my door last night. I will wait patiently for next weekend, celebrate a fall full moon dancing around the fire! Some things in my life are changing, others will be the same! Moon dancing!