life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Letting go of....



Sometimes things are not how or what you expect them to be.  I thought this part of my life would be about holding on.  Holding on to relationships, love, time, memories, but what I am learning is that it is exactly the opposite.  It is about letting go!  That concept is just now beginning to show up in my work.  Letting go of the tight images, the perfect pretty pictures  others perceive as good art and I thought they expected from me.  I want to embrace the emotions and the feelings that are present in that moment.  It is not about holding on.  I want to live and be free enough to let it go and express the feelings.  Letting go of expectations and living it all.


"I Lived"  One Republic
(I really like this song!)

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Watch me....

I want to own every minute,
The things I do are for me, 
to grow
to live, 
to be whole, 
to be happy
Watch me, sometimes you may not agree, sometimes it is going to hurt, but it is worth it.   I do not want there to be any doubt...I lived!

"I Lived"  One Republic

Friday, November 21, 2014

Stronger than this...sometimes






And I have such a lovely assortment of monsters sleeping there! 
They are the most insidious of all monsters, not because of their real danger, but the danger they have made me believe in.
The fear they create keeps me small, overwhelmed, unable to decide what is good for me.

I am stronger than this...sometimes.


"Don't Give Up"  Herbie Hanncock, Pink, John Legend

Monday, November 17, 2014

Is it worth it?


 Another round with same reactions. And I wanted it so much not to be so....again....  How much life am I suppose to give up before we all agree this does not work.  My body turns against me, and refuses to function, the world closes in and I do not want to wake up. The emotional pain is overwhelming, I cannot function, but my heart is beating...Is it worth it?

"No No No" Paolo Nutini

Friday, November 14, 2014

GREMLINS.....AUGH!!!!!!

It looks like my blog was attacked by technical gremlins!  I do not know where they are, or how they got here, but they ate some of my images!
GRRRRRRR.....

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I believe...

Not giving up, I have too much more to do!  

I have a purpose and I have so much more to do.  I can do this with strength, resolve and love.  
I can do this!
"I believe this is not the end of me, 
this is the beginning!
I believe today it is ok to not be ok.
Hold on...hold on!"

"I Believe"  Christina Perri

My wonderful little young, female doctor that in one breath says she adores my attitude and wishes more of her patients were like me and then in the next breath tells me I am in denial, and I am not wrapping my head around the danger and the seriousness of this.  I carefully try to explain that I unserstand the denial and I like it......work with me!  And now I think she will!  We have got some work to do, some ugly meds getting added to the mix, that if I am lucky will stave off an even uglier procedure.  Things are changing, I am just not sure I was ready for it to begin happening, although I have had plenty of time to get ready for this!  I got to get busy I am here for a reason and I have a lot more to do!

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Here I go again....




And it is THAT time again.  Another crap load of tests and I sat for weeks while “they” decipher the results. Here I go again, telling myself it does not matter what they say…I know how I feel, and it is great,  but still the closer it gets the more I wonder….how is my heart really doing.  Monday will be here soon!


"There She Goes Again"  ortoPilot (yup him again!)

ummmm....working on it.....stand by


I am still learning how to shut out all of those critics in my head!  Always telling me...be ashamed, you are not good enough, who do you think you are, now what are you going to do?

Good thing my heart does not have ears, but oh man....my brain can get really loud!  

and that is when my heart goes lalalalala!


"All Star"   ortoPilot  (nope...not a typo...really)

Friday, November 7, 2014

When you buy something from an artist...












And…when you look at it this way…there really is no amount of money  that could possibly pay for the work of any artist!


The Kind You Can't Afford"  Madeleine Peyroux

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Maybe...it is not worth having....

And that is what I keep telling myself….over and over and over again.Will it ever stop hurting? 
How and when do I let go?
Will I ever learn that my value is not measured by others love, affection or attention.
I have to do this myself.
I cannot allow myself to need and that is much harder than I expected.

"Defying Gravity"  Lea Michele

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Shake it!


.....and when I just cannot get it together
or I am so happy I canot hold still
I do the same thing.
Shake it....Shake it
All the right junk!
Come dance "really bad" with me!
Love teaching the Artist's Way...Love the creatives that become a part of my life....and love that they celebrate my bad dancing!


"All About that Bass"  Meghan Trainer

brokenness...

Everything breaks, everything changes, it is how I manage the pieces that will define me. I struggle so much to hold on to my own self-esteem and self-love.  It seems to break when I am feeling the least confident and unsure of myself.  That is when the proverbial rug is pulled out from under my feet.    Do I accept the changes gracefully or do I scramble like a mad woman to put things back the way they were?  How will I know if I should embrace my brokenness or fight for the way it used to be?


"Come on Get Higher"  Matt Nathanson

Living in the moment...


I am certain there will come a time when they will not approve of what I have done, or how I have done it.  I am claiming fully whatever I may or may not have done, and know I did so with no regret by living in the moment.  My intentions have never been to cause another living soul pain, but to enjoy my life to its fullest extent.  Right, wrong or  indifferent, you may rest assured I am living in the moment, with no regrets, and am having the most marvelous life. I can not change the past, and I will not waste my present trying to control the future.
peace in my heart....peace in my soul


"Living in the Moment"  Jason Mraz

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Moon Dance

A full moon makes halloween so much more scary!  But I did have so many scary short people at my door last night.  I will wait patiently for next weekend, celebrate a fall full moon dancing around the fire!  Some things in my life are changing, others will be the same!  Moon dancing!



"Moondance"  Van Morrison