life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

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Thursday, August 28, 2014

The Lines


Lines? What lines?
Were there supposed to be lines?

This one came across my FB page, and reminded me that it is OK to do things my way. If I am uncomfortable, if the hair stands up on the back of my neck, pay attention....it is time to walk away.

To hell with the lines! This life is going to be a masterpiece!


"Obeah Woman"   Nina Simone

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Old Comfortable Friends

Broken crayons still color.....I knew this as a child!  Of course I would rather have the brand new, fresh crayons, pristinely standing in their box.

I saw pictures made with the broken crayons and they were beautiful, as good as if not better than the pictures created by the new ones. Still I would scheme and push to get to the front of the school line so I would have the new crayons, as if their sharp tips, fresh cover paper and unbroken length would make me a better artist/person. New crayons would somehow insure that I would be liked.

The broken crayons, my old comfortable friends, when I hold them in my hand,  their peeled papers and worn tips remind me of all the amazing colorful pages they have already created and they are ready to do it again.


"True Colors"  Phil Collins

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Cheap wine

and 
a very large bottle of cheap wine!
yea-yea- I will get over it, but then it might be kind of nice if__________(fill in the blank)

"Shake Me Like a Monkey"  Dave Mathews Band

Monday, August 25, 2014

Back....Back...Back



Back into the studio,
Back into my world. 
Back to the place that reminds me of the amazing power of creation. 
Back to a place where I am grateful for everything I have.
Back to the place where I am alone, focused, strong,
Back where I do not need…

Back to the place where my power lives.  



"It's Amazing"  Jem

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Sleep NAKED!



Yep I knew that would get your attention!

Yep….that will do it!  Excellent therapy!  An extremely difficult week, full of tough life revelations, hard decisions, and a snoot full of overwhelming confusion.  Chocolate, wine and sleeping naked…. that ought to help!


"Life is Better With You" 
Michael Franti & the Spearheads

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

number 3

#3 (and multiples of) keep popping up everywhere today, not just my blog although that number is pretty exciting, but lots of other little places and I thought I had better look into this!

ATTRIBUTES OF THE NUMBER 3
Number 3 resonates with the energies of optimism and joy, inspiration and creativity, speech and communication, good taste, imagination and intelligence, sociability and society, friendliness, kindness and compassion. Number THREE also relates to art, humour, energy, growth, expansion and the principles of increase, spontaneity, broad-minded thinking, synthesis, triad, heaven-human-earth, past-present-future, thought-word-action, demonstrates love through creative imagination, comprehensive, fulfilment, encouragement, assistance, talent and skills, culture, wit, a love of fun and pleasure, freedom-seeking, adventure, exuberance, brilliance, free-form, being brave, non-confrontational, free-form, rhythm, passion, surprise, sensitivity, self-expression, affability, enthusiasm, youthfulness, enlivenment, psychic ability, manifesting and manifestation.

HOW COOL IS THAT! Synchronicty breaking out everywhere!
http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/2011/02/number-3.html

"3 is a Magic Number"  Blind Melon
and School House Rock
Holy Crap! it happened again and again! in the same day!

I Will Never Get Another One...




Filling my now with life, love and new experiences is reaching the depths and filling in the width. 
I want to live everyday like I will never get another one, this day will never come again I want it to be incredible!


"Something New"  Tom Fletcher

Monday, August 18, 2014

Standing Proudly!

First thing Monday morning I wake up to a FB post, actually 2 of them about artists, and what exactly a messy studio and/or desk says about their creativity. How RUDE…..it is Monday for God’s sake, give a girl a break!!!

As it turns out it was not all bad! I was expecting a finger wagging lecture about the attributes of having a clean organized studio, and that would free your mind and unleash your creativity. However, I got amazing, put my studio to shame, examples of Picasso, Calder and Einstein, who by the look of things were total slobs. Oh how my heart sang!

The mess in my studio is embarrassing; no matter how hard I try. In my own defense, I have accomplished short periods of organization, but they never last. It is a raging unruly mess! It is so bad that when someone knocks on the door, I run to close the studio door BEFORE opening the front door.

I think it is time to quit beating myself up about my evil, disorganized, slovenly studio and start  grinning from ear to ear….standing proudly in the company of Picasso, Calder and Einstein!
    
                                                                   "Evil Ways"  Santana

Sunday, August 17, 2014

“Never Going to Survive This….Unless You Get a Little Crazy”

This was one of the first times I had enough nerve to not only be a little crazy, but let others see it and then take them along for the ride. It is so scary to step outside the lines, of acceptable proper behavior. But once the first small step has been taken, it becomes easier. The next step gets a little bigger and is not quite as scary…in fact after a few more steps it even becomes fun!

And here is the most spectacular revelation….when I release my fears, become a little crazy… it seems to give the people around me permission to release their own fears and do the same!

So yes, I will survive this in my own way…..Yes, I am a little crazy! Want to come along?


"Crazy"  Seal

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Allowing My heart to Take it's Course...is Not Always Easy

I am still learning how to grieve. I clearly recognize the parts of me that are compromised and failing.  The loss of  relationships, creative projects, a job or a longed for dream, I am loosing the person I was.  However, my grieving takes me into the fertile space of the unknown. Sitting in this space allows for something new to be born. Perhaps a new aspect of myself, new found resources, new values, a new life pathway or a surprising new relationship.  It takes such courage to resist filling my inner space with something known or predictable. It is a spiritual practice to nurture my capacity to love, live, believe, and celebrate without concrete proof, that something wonderful is going to happen that is just right for me. 
Allowing my heart to take its course is not always easy.

"Good Life" One Republic

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Adventure happens.....when something goes wrong!

and nothing could express it better than a Pollock painting!  A perfect example of total chaos....that works!
At the art movie last night...several unsuccessful attempts to get an unfamiliar computer, digital projector and speakers to work together, began the adventure.  One of the artists found that the TV behind the bar had a DVD player.  I just do not have the words that could adequately paint you a picture of a bunch of artists, mashed tightly together, sitting on the back side of a bar huddled around a TV screen with a bottle of wine and chocolate covered pomegranates.  There could have been nothing more intimate (or silly)!  I can not imagine having a more indepth, intimate, meaningful, enjoyable (and at times hysterical) discussion.  Jackson Pollock would have been of proud of us!  You just had to be there to really understand how perfect the whole evening was!
GREAT adventure really does happen.....when something goes wrong!


"Mama Told Me Not to Come"  Three Dog Night

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I choose to giggle, smile and enjoy silly-ness!

This should be taught in school! No person should be allowed to graduate from high school until they have completed this course of “Relax and Enjoy Your Life 101” and then they should have to take a course in “Critical Thinking” (as required by UMASS) upon entering any higher education!
We have been trained to shut up and put up with rudeness, vulgarity, disrespect as just another part of everyday life. We are also falling into the dangerous “band wagon” style of thinking, following the masses instead of having the strength to stand up for your own thoughts and feelings. Unwilling to invest the time to develop our own opinions and afraid to express any idea that is different, original or unusual we blindly follow the loudest voice or even worse the voice that tries to convince us that they know what is best for us.
Responsible, happy, well-adjusted people exist everywhere! They are not threatened by unique ideas or people. They giggle and smile and love life!
I choose to be inspired!
I choose to giggle, smile and enjoy silly-ness!


"Chain of Fools"  Aretha

Saturday, August 9, 2014

My Beach Boys!

Summer 2014
Flagler Beach with all the boys!
What a great time with all of the grandsons!


Friday, August 8, 2014

Magnificent Event

Someone once told me that the cure for depression would not come from a bottle of pills or sessions with a psychiatrist, but from getting out and watching the miracle of a sunrise.  The promise that it is a brand new day, with new adventures, new things to learn, every day we all get to be new again!  After this week of making a point of getting up in time to see every sunrise, I am amazed at how different each of them are.  It really is the most magnificent event and it happens every day
Flagler Beach Sunrise 8/8/14
"Here Comes the Sun"  The Beatles

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Check



When this ne came across my FB page, I went down the list,
check....
check....
check....
check!

Until a few years ago #2 and #10 might have been a #3!
But not NOW
Now I can proudly claim all 10
...especially #4 and #6!

 
"Follow Me"  Uncle Kracker

Sunday, August 3, 2014

A Finger...Two Dots...Then me...

"The design, the design, the desgin 
in the stars.... is the same in our hearts"
This poet is absolutely amazing.... 
I am stunned every time I watch this. 
God....I hope this is true!

 

I am

I am... still learning how to find my voice, 
I am... beginning to listen to my heart, 
I am.. figuring out how to be strong in spite of some formidable odds.  
It is NOT easy and NOT what some want from me.  Although, artistically I have pursued the life I imagined, I did so quietly.  I did not share that life; it was quite bohemian and was never certain how “they” would take it. 
I am... not going to aggressively pursue opportunities to exert my point of view, change your mind, or beg you to like me.
I am... just becoming strong enough and bold enough to be me.

"What I am"  Eddie Brickell & The New Bohemians

Saturday, August 2, 2014

"Hold on to Your Heart"

"Hold on to Your Heart" 2014
For years I have gone out of my way to make sure most people did not know about my heart problems. I always saw it as a huge deficit that would compromise my effectiveness as an artist, a facilitator, and any kind of functioning person. It has been a hard thing to cover up and I may not have done as good a job as I thought I have, but the effort was there.
As heart failure goes, things progress that have required some additional routine attention and twice weekly visits to the hospital for rehab and monitoring. It is hard, frustrating, time consuming, disease fixated and it takes my focus away from my art and my amazing full life. It has done so, without my knowledge or permission and it is showing up in my work.
I am not absolutely certain it was a good decision to keep my life and my art separated. It appears that life is erupting into my work, again, without my permission. I am pleased with this work. I was surprised at how quickly it evolved. I am stunned at how effectively it portrays another side of heart failure.

I am ok now (maybe) with people knowing…..

This work is going to the Casselberry Art House Gallery for a month long exhibition….”Hold on to Your Heart” I am holding on to mine as she makes her debut.


  "Hold on My Heart"  Genesis

Friday, August 1, 2014

Run






With a million things to do today, I got side tracked... uniting my sculpture and this poem by an ancient Sufi poet, Hafiz.
 I know this feeling….I have been running….


"In the Arms of The Angel"  Sarah McLachlan

Love me or not…either way I have got to wake up and face another day

Another Day, Sunrise at Flagler Beach 2014
from my spectacular sunrise walks
I only know 3 things for sure…..
I arrived alone,I will be leaving alone and I will be celebrating every day!
I have been so lucky to have love come in and out of my life, all of my life. Some came, some stayed and some had to go, but all have had amazing lessons to teach me. I have learned how I want to live, how I want to see the world and I have also learned the things I do not want to do or feel.
I appreciate all the love I have experienced and it will always be with me in my heart even if I can no longer keep it in my life every day. I have got to wake up to face another day and I want to fill it with smiles, love, dancing, laughter, creating…
I want to live with whatever the world brings me…no negativity...no regret...only gratitude!
"Love me or not…either way I have got to wake up and face another day.  What will the world bring?"  I will be celebrating every day!
"Love Me or Not"   Dub FX