life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, June 30, 2014

Thank you!

...For flights that took off and arrived on time.
...For friends and family that may not understand my path, my choices or my secrets, but support me unconditionally in my attempts to embrace and explore everything my life can offer me with new exciting and loving experiences.
...For the open arms, hours and hours of heart felt loving conversations that expose me at my core and allow me to be afraid, or giggle, to play or cry when I need to share my heart.


"Kind & Generous"    Natalie Merchant

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Push!


Getting on an airplane for the first time in almost 5 years!  Whew!  Going to Atlanta......away from all of my safety nets! Scared, excited, deliberately pushing way outside of my comfort zone! It is amazing that I started cardiac rehab this week and they have stressed over and over again to push my physical body....not too much...but push! I will not get stronger unless I push my limits!  Now, I am emotionally pushing, too!
Regardless of what happens, I will come back a much stronger and confident woman.
It is amazing....I can do this!
                                "It's Amazing"  Jem

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I am creative!


One of those goofy FB quizzes and holy crap!
Maybe, just maybe I really am!

   
"Art"  Tanya Davis
"I wondered what would be the worth of my words in the world if i write them and then recite them are they worth being heard just because i like them does that mean i should mic them and see what might unfurl

i think of the significance of my opinions here
is it significant to be giving them does anybody care just because i'm into this does that mean i should live like it and really do i dare"
                                                  ~ Tanya Davis

The Summer "Big Girl Panty Report"

Things are changing!  I am pushing back, I mean I have always pushed, but now I am really pushing! Cardiac rehab is new and going well....challenging me to move way past my comfort zone.  I am finding physical and emotional strength that I thought might have been gone forever!  Doctors have lined up a second round of tests waiting for insurance approval up but I am not putting anything on hold for them, this time they work around me. My life goes on and this time I am not worried about what they say.   Nothing can hurt me now!
#1  Going on a trip, a flight, albeit it really short to Atlanta.  Flying, going out of state is something I have been deathly afraid to do!  What if something happens while I am not home???? Time to face that fear and I am DOING IT anyway!
#2  A second beer drinking, bootie shakin' trip to the Tampa Dave Matthews concert coming up, too. #3 And a week at the beach with all of my grandsons.
It is going to be a great summer!  Not worring about a thing...
"Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing"  Stevie Wonder

Monday, June 23, 2014

What a fool I have been!



OK… so I am not 65 or 75 but….I got some other issues that certainly helped me relate.  Although I never got even remotely close to perfect, I now look back on my life and see how much of my life and energy I wasted on trying to get there or trying to make the rest of the world think, I already had it.  I squandered time, money, my children, energy, talent, life, (and this list can go on and on and on) doing what other people expected, very rarely asking  is this what I wanted.  Now that I am getting closer to my end, I find myself desperately wanting to make up for lost time.  Going out of my way to have experiences I have denied myself.  Maybe I am over doing, maybe not. Maybe somewhere in here I will find the balance. 

When the author said it will break your heart…It will… it does, and it did… I let it break my heart…What a fool I have been!
"Chain of Fools"  Aretha Franklin

Sunday, June 22, 2014

“Well behaved women, rarely make history.”

“Well behaved women, rarely make history.” ~Marilyn Monroe 
I just bought this ring with that saying etched in the metal. It is huge, obnoxious and on some level compliments the “no fear” tattoo on my foot except maybe it is more encouragement to act rather than react. Time to be brave, push harder, reach further, make the most of and appreciate every moment and my life, even when others won’t or don’t know how to. I am finally figuring it out.
 There is no heaven, hell or happily ever after. They are all fairy tales, there is no such thing in reality. So….I can wallow in pathetic reality or launch like a fool into life creating a new adventure and another dream. I do not really care if you think I am nuts or do not understand it!      It is.... after all my reality! 

"Closer to Fine"  Indigo Girl

I'm trying to tell you something about my life, Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me, Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket, I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy  With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie, He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper, And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.
  
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m. To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board , twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine      ~Indigo Girls


Monday, June 16, 2014

Listen



"If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright."
"Answer"  Sarah McClachlan

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Thank you Daddy!




Father's Day 2014....
and I am just beginning to have the grace and love to look back on a very rocky childhood and begin to truly appreciate and be grateful for all that I did have.  Your lessons, both good and bad have given me the strength I have today.
Thank you Daddy, I use that strength every day!


"Life in Color"  One Republic

My wedding day, just before walking down the aisle 40 years ago.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Back in the Waiting Line....



I find myself back waiting in line, at the door of the medical industry, I need to remember that this is their business, my personal health and welfare are not their primary concern, my ability to pay is.
The only thing that is a little different this time is that I am taking responsibility for my expectations. I do not expect anything from them and I will appreciate those that do help me.  But I choose to not give them my power. Or expect anything from them.


"In the Waiting Line"  Zero 7
Doesn't seem to be 
anybody else who agrees with me
Ah and I'll shout and I'll scream But I'd rather not have seen, And I’ll hide away for another day
Do you believe In what you see. Motionless wheel, nothing is real. Wasting my time, in the waiting line
Do you believe in what you see?

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Abracadabra!


smiles
love
creativity
love
friends
love
passion
love
connected
love
excited
love
fearless
love
healthy
and oh yea.....love...love...love...love...

"The Word"  The Beatles

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Much easier said than done!

We are taught and I suspect it is our second nature to avoid fear and all of the feelings that are associated with it.

We are taught to follow the rules, do not make waves, do not stand out, fit in and fear of not being "normal" seems to be the greatest tool to insure that we all are kept in line.

So the conundrum for me is that in almost every case, it is the people, the artists, the writers, the musicians, the politicians, the teachers, etc., etc. that move past their fear that break the molds of normal that we as a society most admire.  Their ability to break the chains of rules and rise above is the common link that unites each of them...they did not let fear decide their fate.

 
"Funny the Way it is"    Dave Matthews

Monday, June 9, 2014

Waiting

Tomorrow's tests were canceled....insurance has not given their approval for payment.  Part of me is so relieved, the other part was ready to get this done and over with.  I was emotionally ready to begin dealing with and making the "what next" decisions.  It has been like holding my breath for a month, waiting to find out if this last round of medication and all of the miserable side effects has made a difference or have I bought into another medical compromise.

Waiting means a few more days of not having to make decisions.  I am not giving up,
I am choosing to have a GREAT life.



"I Won't Give Up"   Jason Marz

Surrounding Myself

Sometimes I forget this….Not only do I forget it but for reasons that I cannot explain I will begin to expect that art, music, intrigue and romance should come looking for me!

What makes me or any other creative feel like if we finally declare to the world who and what we are, that these things will automatically be attracted to us. That other artists and creatives will recognize us immediately as part of their tribe.

The reality of the situation is, as an artist I need to actively participate in the act of “surrounding myself”. I cannot find any of these things on a computer screen or a TV or a book. Life, a real life, a fascinating life, a full life.... happens in person!

I am taking on the responsibility of “surrounding myself” with what I love, and what makes me happy!


"All We are"    Matt Nathanson

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Some days you just got to get back up (and dance)….

There are those days that just stink, but I need to remember today and every day is is amazing and wonderful and too precious to waste. Resting, relaxing, rejuvenating, becoming inspired, napping, writing long emails, reading is not wasting time….

Worrying, jealously, envy, wanting to change someone.... those are life sucking wastes of time.
I get knocked down, but I get up again.


" I Get Knocked Down"  Chumbawamba

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

NOT broken!

Not broken....not me...I am not broken!  There are pieces and parts of me that are slower and maybe not as reliable as they used to be (and in some cases never really were) but they are not broken. I am  closer to "whole" than I think I have ever been in my life. No one ever really stopped me from being and expereincing all that life has to offer, I was just afraid.  Afraid, that I would upset, dissapoint and not be what others thought I should be.
I had to be ready to physically and emotionally break, lose everything before....I was willing to break the rules and come this close to whole. Not broken!

"All About You Heart"   Mindy Gledhill

Monday, June 2, 2014

Little Things

On the days that everything seems to go wrong, I forget about all of the wonderful little things that go right! Like….water heaters! What a marvelous thing, turn on just about any faucet in the house and within a few moments, amazing hot water! And that little thing, that I barely noticed and certainly did not appreciate, QUIT…..AUGH!!!!

I probably should mention that our water heater was over 35 years old, which I have been told is incredibly unusual. Perhaps I should have seen this coming. Who knew???  At any rate, part of this event was not only to simply replace the water heater but to upgrade to the newest tankless water heater.

An event of epic proportions, not only does it require water be shut off, but also upgrades to the electrical panel and that means no power either!

In the hands of licensed professionals this may not have been a big deal, but in the hands of my husband and son it becomes an entirely different event. After a weekend of flushless toilets, no showers, intermittent power, 5 trips to the hardware store, and a large amount of grousing punctuated by some really colorful language we now how an endless supply of hot water.

I am so so very grateful to Skip and Darren and this amazing hot water. It really is the little everyday things I forget to be grateful for! Thanks guys!


"Belly Belly Nice" Dave Matthews Band

Oh, the light that shines upon the gift that everyone has for the taking
And happiness so pure as this is surely worth the making

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Plot Twist!

Since this all started, I have been sure I was the ONE that was going to beat this! I was the one that was going to prove to the world that art, creativity and a positive attitude could fix anything….everything. I was not going to let the medical industry take away my money, my hope and my life.
I could do this! I could do this all by myself! I do not need help.
Plot twist! I am not the ONE…
Plot Twist! Art, creativity and a positive attitude really really really help, but it does not fix anything much less everything.
Plot Twist! I hate the medical industry, and I am now at their mercy.
Plot Twist!
Plot Twist!
Plot Twist.....Moving on…….there is a great deal of peace, happiness, joy and accomplishment just in the moving on!
I am indeed MOVING ON!

"Let it Be Me" Indigo Girls
Let it be me, This is not a fighting song   Let it be me, Not a wrong for a wrong
Let it be me, If the world is night   Shine my life like a light