life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.

Monday, April 28, 2014

As Though I had Wings






Oh please, please, please, never let me get too old, tired or sick
that I cannot find my wings. 
If life is not dangerous and improbable,
what would be the purpose? 
Know, now and forever that I that I am not afraid,
I have wings, or at least I think I do. 
I am not afraid to laugh.
I am not afraid to fail.


"Blackbird"     The Beatles

Sunday, April 27, 2014

She' Got


I am so lucky in so many ways, I am also aware of the fact that I go to great lengths to present an image for the public to see and I make sure it looks good…
well as good as I can get it to look. 
Some things just cannot be covered up.

I mess up my life regularly!
I have ugly secrets!
I pretend that everything is all right
…when it is not.
I am thinking….this is life
and…. it is how I deal with this from day to day that will eventually define me.

"Big Girls don't Cry"    Fergie     


"I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you, It's personal, myself and I...We've got some straightenin' out to do, And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, But I've got to get a move on with my life, It's time to be a big girl now,
 And big girls don't cry ."    ~Fergie   

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Now you see it.....

I was enthralled several years ago with the theory that DaVinci had hidden symbols in his art, Giving the image so many ways to "communicate"... Every once in a while I have a great time fooling around with this theory and this medium made it so easy! And I got away with it!




"Strip Me" Natasha Bedinfield

Trying...

It was rather exciting to get a third place on new work and new medium.  The Universe keeps delivering this lesson.  This is the second time "get out of my comfort zone...try new things....move forward".

Letting go of the comfortable, what I know... is so hard.  But the lesson keeps coming around. I am going to have to let go of somethings to make room for the "new"
"You Might Die Trying"  Dave Matthews

Friday, April 25, 2014

Happy, it is my responsibility and I am OK with that...

When moving forward seems impossible, sometimes the only choice may be to look back and try to remember the happy.
somewhere in 80's, somewhere in the Virgin Islands, there was happy
I need to remind myself that there are times when there was lots of happiness, but I also need to remind myself every day, NOT to ever again put my happiness in the hands of someone else regardless of how much love there is.
If I am the only one responsible for my own happiness, then no one can take it from me. If I give someone else the power of making me happy, I also give them the power of taking it from me, making me sad and miserable. It has taken me a long time but I am learning the hard way. I am the only one that has control of making me happy. It does not matter how much time or love or history there is, I cannot risk ever trusting anyone else with my happiness.

This is my responsibility; no one else can do it for me.  My happy will never ever again come from someone else, it only comes from me.  I am ok with that.

"Let it be Me"     The Indigo Girls

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Getting to nuts!

If someone was desperate enough to spy on me, hack into my email accounts they might read this blog from beginning to end…..I take that back….maybe just read a couple of months’ worth (it’s easy they are short posts). They would recognize that I am on an emotional carrousel ride …”around and around…up and down”! I might be seen as a bona fide bipolar nut job and do not need the extra excitement. Sometimes it is just plain scary how easily someone I do not know can become me. And if they really knew me, me is the last person they would want to be! I really do not need any additional help getting to nuts, I am doing just fine on my own....

"On a Carrousel"  The Hollies

Acceptance



I have the most bizarre way of wanting what I cannot have.  Spent a lifetime chasing after a grandiose dream of love, perfection and acceptance.  It is time to let go of my silly dreams…and not be attached to anything or anyone, learning this is my life and it is full of grace and gratitude, just not the way I thought it should be.  

"If You Could Read My Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot

Monday, April 21, 2014

Monday Morning!

Monday morning and the clouds have cleared enough for the sun to rise on me!
Monday morning and the week is new and anything is possible.
Monday morning and I have the strength to turn down the fear that has been playing in my head.
Monday morning...time to move toward all the good things waiting out there!


"Haven't Got Time for the Pain"  Carly Simaon

Sunday, April 20, 2014

I Am the Only One in my Way....

Most days I am strong, resolved, sturdy, steady.  Those are the days I am fine more than fine I am spectacular. I am absolutely magnificent.  Then there are those other days....other days I am scared, really scared....  It is like being caught in a web.  A web I cannot see, but I know it is there, I can feel it.  I know I can do this...I know I have to do it by myself and sometimes I am scared.

 
"You're the Only One in Your Way"  Cloud Cult

You are the wind, the flood and the flame.
Nothing here can get in your way.
You've come too far to care what they say.
Now you're the only thing in your way
.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Big Girl Panties today!

I need my big girl panties for this ride. Sometimes things change, when I am not ready for them to. My life and everything about it seems to move at 2 speeds wide open or sitting completely still. So today I am sitting completely still, while my heart is wide open….


                                                         "Shape of my Heart"  Sting

COURAGE!


"Loving you"  Paolo Nutini

"Back off loneliness, and hello tenderness
I've been waiting for your call for so long
It must have been hard just to follow your soul
To stick to the road that
your heart wants you to go
and as you slide through the door
With your morals on your sleeve
I think it's time for all those morals to leave"
So many people think we've got it wrong
They'll try to break us but we won't play along
So let's get down and dirty baby.
Let's get restless baby

Come on get crazy with me"       Paolo Nutini
And it takes so much COURAGE to lead an unconventional life!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Nobody Ever Told ME


OK world...Here I am
60 years old today and nobody ever told me...

Finally I have the strength to tell myself
I do not have to fit in the box.
It is OK that I am not a perfect wife or Mother
It is OK that I am not skinny
It is OK that I am not pretty
It is OK if I am not liked by everyone
It is OK that I am just me...
It is more than OK
It is a good thing

Finally I have the strength to say
I am good just the way I am.
No more rules! Just me being happy, and filled with love.
Happy Birthday me!


"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

from the "Tribe of Wild Women" was the perfect message today!
I'm acutely aware of negative self talk in my own languaging and in other peoples...I believe our greatest stepping stone to being in touch with our authentic selves is to be ever mindful of being kind to ourselves...in everything we do and say...and by say I mean watching the thoughts that roll around in our head...let our thoughts and words be gentle...it's a huge step in loving ourselves..huge

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Blood Moon

mmmmmm…..Sat outside early this morning and literally soaked this spectacle in. Am not sure why I am so attracted and influenced by full moons, but I am and this one was truly amazing. It seems like some of my most memorable life events, both good and bad have been attached to full moons. Do not know if that is by accident or design, it just is. From a science/spiritual point of view, a full moon is carrying, without interruption all of the energy from the sun. Ocean tides are the evidence of how significant this energy is.

It pulls my heart, too…in the most significant ways, it pulls my heart.


"Moon Shadow"  Cat Stevens

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Cheesy


How lucky I am!  Dear, dear friends and family. Marvelous life!  It has not always been easy and I suspect there are more bumps to come, but oh my….how grand it is now!
 
Posted this pic on FB today with the heading, “an open bottle of wine and a basket of bread, I am good to go” and a friend fired back, “where is the cheese?”  and all I could respond with is “she is standing right there!"  

Yes I do feel “cheesy” almost like a really drippy Hallmark card, but I am so very very happy, it is almost unreal….and I am loving every single moment!


"Happy"  Pharrell Williams

Once in a Lifetime

Ya-Ya Sisters celebrate 60
Sparklers and Champagne
Once in a lifetime, is just that. Whatever situation brings people and circumstances to create lasting
memories are just that, a fleeting few moments that happen once in a lifetime but live forever in my heart. Some can be meticulously planned others are spontaneous. It does not seem to matter how it occurs, those incredible memories are forever ingrained and somehow become part of who and what I am.

Last night was one of those incredible memories. Thank you to everyone that was there, to all of you that worked so hard to help us make it happen.

Terry & I celebrate our 60th birthday with champagne, sparklers, great friends and family!  Happy birthday US!

This….this is the magic of life.
"All Night Long"  Lionel Richey

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

P-A-R-T-Y









OOOOOOO Boy!
I am ready for some party!




"I Just Want to Celebrate"    Rare Earth

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I Get to Choose!

In the past 4+ years, I find myself rethinking what healing and happy is. I had been sucked into a culture that focused on perfection as the only path to happiness. I forgot that flaws, pain and suffering are necessary parts of life, they are how I grow, and they are not always to be avoided at all costs. I do not think I am intrinsically virtuous because of this disease and my grief, but I feel clearly empowered by it.

Grief in the broad sense, has taken me outside of the mistaken logic of happiness.  Grief sends me on a different course.

The theologian Paul Tillich wrote that people who endure suffering are taken beneath the routines of life and find they are not who they believed themselves to be. Grief and loss broke through what I thought was the bottom of me but revealed an awareness and emotion I did not know existed. When I finally felt comfortable with this layer of awareness, it kicked through even a lower area revealing more.

Grief and fear drag me deep into myself. It has given me a new sense of my limitations, what I can control and cannot control. I am not clear how or where relief comes from. I do not understand what situation provokes peace, or eases grief. However, I have discovered that it is not the medical curing of the disease controlled by others, but the divine life healing process that exists in me.

I know I am not the master of my situation, but I am not helpless either. I cannot determine the course of this disease or my pain, but I get to choose how much I participate and respond to it.

"Barely Breathing"  Duncan Skeiks

Monday, April 7, 2014

now...

I am no superman…My journey is not intended to be an inspiration, I just want to document a journey. The ups the downs, the happy the sad, the fears and the joy, maybe it will give others and opportunity to rethink the rules and break them when you need to. Be smart, do your homework, know what you are doing, honor how you want to feel right now, because there is nothing in the future that is guaranteed. Life is in the now. It is where I am going….it is where I want to be.


"Where are You Going?"  Dave Matthews Band

Saturday, April 5, 2014

It Finally Came!




FINALLY.....came!
Now when I say I hold a BA in Arts Admin....
I can REALLY hold it!
Clearly "turning your work in on time" is a concept that the university administration has not yet grasped!
But it is in my hot little hands and I am happy!

A lot of hard work....


"I Just Want to Celebrate"  Rare Eath

Smile

Maybe not physically as strong….that is not how this works and I know that. But I am stronger than I ever have been in every other sense of the word because I smile and I think in the long run that does and will continue to keep me physically strong. Smiling is the outward sign to the universe that I am grateful. Smiling invokes synchronicity from the universe. Smiling puts everyone around me at ease and helps them not be afraid for me. Smiling just feels good. It is life…and I have decided to live it….I mean really live it!


"Smile"   Uncle Kracker

Friday, April 4, 2014

I Know the Heart of Life is Good

There are days that I have to really clutch a mantra
“life is good, it is happening just like it should, these are the lessons I need to learn, walk through this and learn, or it will come back again and again and again until  I learn this lesson.”

Yesterday may have been really the first time that I was observed….
Not being strong, and I had no choice. 
Most of the time I can muscle through. 


"The Heart of Life"   John Mayer
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

and......What I Really Want to do…

I “teach” follow your heart thinking when it comes to art and creating.  I assumed that is how life should be lived.  But I am learning following your heart is not always fairy tale easy…..but.... my oh my, it is worth it.
I think the biggest secret to following your heart, is breaking the rules!  It is about being grossly honest about what your reality is, what your circumstances are, then carefully recognizing what you want and understanding why. 
Thank goodness I think too much, thank goodness art opened up my life and thinking, thank goodness I have the courage to break the rules! Because everytime there is a crack in the rules the most exciting stuff slips into my life!


"I Can't Get Next to You"  Al Green 
I can turn a gray sky blue
 I can make it rain when I want it to
Oh, I can build a castle from a single grain of sand
I can make a ship sail on dry land,