life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Damn Rules!

Who made up all the rules? We follow them like fools,
Believe them to be true, Don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry, so sorry I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too, Cause what we tend to do
Is act on what they say, And then it is that way
And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this
Who are they? Where are they?
How can they possibly Know all this?
Who are they? Where are they? How can they possibly know all this?
Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?
Is it because it's true That ignorance is bliss?
Who are they? Where are they?
How do they Know all this?
And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry it's like this
Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?
Is it because it's true, That ignorance is bliss?
And who are they? Where are they?
How can they, Know all this?
And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this
"They"       Jem

Friday, February 21, 2014

I Am Amazed!

There are so many amazing things in this world, and I am learning, I am learning, I am learning! All of the platitudes have always been there, right in front of my face, but I just did not get them until I actually experience them. And here is the thing, it was never by choice! I wanted to experience them, I was too afraid to really reach out there and try. The absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to me, turns out to be the most phenomenal gift I could have ever received! Without it I would have been too afraid to ever try, to ever really live.
Everyday, everyday another amazing gift arrives in my life that is more than I could have ever expected.
Here is what I have learned so far.
It is ok to be slightly strange!
Give and give even when I think there is nothing more of me to give, it always come back to me in the most amazing ways!
Break some rules, they will get over it!
Don’t be afraid to let someone see me, really see me, I do not have to be strong or perfect all of the time.
"Maybe I am Amazed"  Jem

Friday, February 14, 2014

edgy, provocative, think






Every exhibition will have work that will grab and shake you, but Nude Nite…shakes me to my core, every piece of work is guaranteed to push me to the edge.

What is beautiful,
what are my boundaries,
and is there anything more spectacular than the human body?

It is the most amazing exhibition, and as nervous as I have been to have such a large “not my style” piece accepted I am honored beyond belief to be in the company of such incredible artists that have so much to say! 

I am reminded how wonderfuly lucky I am...
and I absolutely love my evil ways!

"Evil Ways"  Santana

Thursday, February 13, 2014

It goes both ways….

Extreme joy, laughing, celebrating vs debilitating fear, panic, worry.   
I am learning that one does not exist without the other!  Pushing to the edge has been the most frightening thing I have ever done, in my life and in my art, but every single time I have challenged a boundary, it has been worth it.  Even when the results were absolute and total failure, I have learned something new and amazing about myself.
It is ok to be afraid, I do not want to avoid fear any more.  I want to invite it in, push my limits because I know ecstasy lies on the other side.

One does not exist without the other.
It has to go both ways!

"I Just Want to Celebrate" Rare Earth

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

but.....It's ME who is my enemy


I am not the person who is singing, I am the silent one inside.
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes.  
I just pacify their egos.
I am not my house, my car or my songs, 
They are only stops along my way.
I am like the winter; I'm a dark cold female, 
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave.
And it's me who is my enemy Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters Me who strips my confidence
I am carrying my voice I am carrying my heart.
I am carrying my rhythm I am carrying my prayers,
but you can't kill my spirit, it's old and it is strong,
And like a mountain I'll go on and on. 
But when my wings are folded,
The brightly colored moth blends into the dirt into the ground
And it's me who is my enemy.  Me who beats me up.
Me who makes the monsters. Me who strips my confidence.
And it's me who's too weak, 
And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.
And it's me who's too weak, 
And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.But I love
I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water,
And I'm scared as hell But I know there's something better.
(Yes I know, yes I know, yes I know, yes I know)
                                             "Me" Paula Cole

Monday, February 10, 2014

CJ is back....

Struggling with a new style, a new medium, a new size.  After so many years of a single recognizable saleable style, it is so scary to step out in such a well-attended exhibition with a piece that is new, different, not me, not well explored or developed.
But maybe that is what she is all about.
I needed a much stronger person with more confidence and strength to belong to this painting, to sign this work.
The young woman I was...stepped forward. She could do this without a second thought. She was courageous, strong, edgy, experimental, and did not give a rat’s ass what others thought.  She always did what felt good at the moment.
She was always in the NOW.
and then she grew up, followed the rules, behaved and she got scared.
CJ  came back to me. Oh, how I have needed and
welcomed her strength and confidence back into my life!
Celebrating her AMAZING attitude back in my life!

 
"It's Amazing"  JEM
Do it now
You know who you are
You feel it in your heart
And you're burning and wishing

Sunday, February 9, 2014

I chose....

The work is done, and I am way outside my comfort zone in my life and with my art. I desperately need a sage mentor to take my hand and lead me back to the strength and confidence I used to know so well.  How do I do this? Conjuring up the loving strong supportive ghost that exists inside me, that guides me, holds my hand like I am a child then looks deep into my eyes and says
I believe in you. 
You can do this. 
This is why you are here. 
It is what you are meant to do. 
You always have and you always will do it alone.
Fear and insecurity is part of what you do and you have chosen to do it anyway.
 You chose this.  It is what you love. Now do it!
   
"Ghost" Indigo Girls

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Control

The damage no longer controls my life….

Well kind of.....sometimes….I mean it is there, I cannot get away from that.  But this, this is the most amazing way to look at it.  Yes there is damage yes it effects how I live, but I can no longer allow it to control my life.  Nope not any more….I am in charge of this….
I am in charge of this.

"Everyday"  Dave Matthew Band

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

"Gone So Wrong"

First and most important thing to know, is that after 20 something years, I have done everything I know how to do to avoid drawing/painting faces! They scare the hooey out of me, don’t ask me why…And there is absolutely no explanation for why now, or why I chose such a huge format….ummmmm…I had a canvas that big and I painted over the abstract from years ago is about the only explanation I can offer. Screwed up my creative courage, I was going to get her face right today, or considered seriously, just not showing up. I dug in there…. So here she is….heading to Nude Nite. God I hope I am not making a fool of myself. She is the WRONG MEDIUM and the WRONG SIZE... OMG....
just “Gone So Wrong”! in so many many different ways!

"To Be With You"  Mr. Big

Monday, February 3, 2014

How Long till My Soul Gets it Right?

I suspect what I am trying to say is, there has to be balance!  There has to be sadness and sorrow, for any of us to be able to experience the full measure of ecstasy!    We need that comparison.   I remind myself when I am in the middle of a merciless unfair event that the universe is  preparing me for unbridled happiness and joy.…the bigger the disappointment….the greater the joy!
How long till my soul gets it right
Can any human being ever reach 
that kind of light
I call on the resting soul of Galileo
King of night vision, king of insight


"Galileo"   Indigo Girls

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Brave...

There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.
Carrie Bradshaw, (from Sex in the City)


"Brave" Sara Bareillas

Sometimes....It just Works!


There are no big discernable reasons for those incredible feeling days, they just happen! Maybe today is working spectacularly well because it is not cold, wet or raining for the first time in 4 straight days. I was beginning to feel moldy! Maybe it is the energy that buzzed through each of us Friday night at the Desire Mapping group that still lingers. Maybe it was trying something different yesterday that seemed to have been quasi-successful, but at the very least was a step in the right direction. Maybe it is dreaming about letting go of my fears of being away from home as I consider a trip.
 Whatever it is or maybe all of it,
it makes me feel like dancing today!
 
"Lowrider"  War                       

Saturday, February 1, 2014

INSPIRED!




So ecstatic to be in the company of incredible, open, and aware people.  So very ready to sit in a place I have never sat before.  Not forcing, not planning, not striving, just learning how to recognize feelings and to open my heart to the unimaginable.

"Closer to Fine"  The Indigo Girls