life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Greedy, Bitchy, Selfish, etc, etc, etc.....


It is one of those heinous days that I woke up feeling like I am not good enough.  Doing what I love and feel like I am meant to do sometimes makes me feel greedy, bitchy, and selfish.  I wonder where the line between taking care of me and being narcissistic is?
Does this protect me, free me? Is this part of the journey?


"It's a Beautiful Day"  India Arie

Monday, January 27, 2014

Getting Louder and Louder





And I wonder if the quiet place is right?  Wondering exactly why it is getting louder….I am convinced that place inside of me is born of desire, but what is it I desire?  Love….. money….isn’t everything we desire traced back to one of these two things. But aren’t we all capable of taking these desires and twisting them into the reasons people will lie, cheat and steal?  The quiet place may be getting louder, but I am unclear about what is telling me.


"So Much to Say"  Dave Matthews Band

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Before I Get too Deep...

And the jury is still out!  No longer a mother, or a wife, no longer a student, and struggling to be an artist.  Desperately searching for who and what I am. Frightened ..... If I finally figure it out, will I still like me?  I have spent my life defining me by the success of my family, what other people thought, grades, awards and a host of other external accolades.  I enjoyed every one of them, but none of them had anything to do with who and what I am….and I still do not know!

"What I Am" Eddie Brickel & New Bohemians

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Epic Lesson...(Why I Am!)

I was accepted into the 2014 Orlando Nude Nite.   Woo-hoo!
Nude Nite allows you to submit only 2 art pieces for consideration….AUGH! 
A few months ago, feeling frustrated and stale, I gessoed over a 40” x 60” canvas abstract I had done years ago that had lived behind the studio door.  I drug that fresh and frighteningly white canvas out onto the porch, sat it up on my painting easel, and stared at it for days.   Finally, feelings began welling up and the actual painting began…the frustrating, amateurish and disproportionate painting.
When it was time to send images to jury, I sent that one, and another piece.  The other piece I am proud of, done in a style and medium that I am accomplished in.  Proportions, colors, execution are close to perfect, I love this piece!
They chose the big awkward painting!
The Epic lesson, is what the hell do I know?

Maybe it is the universe saying, “yes” baby….this is why you are here....more of this.  More outside your comfort zone.  No more focusing on the sure thing, strive for the new…the scary….push past comfortable…embrace awkward... GROW!


"Why I AM"  Dave Matthews Band

Monday, January 20, 2014

It is the Life I Know

I was always taught that a woman, a mother always put men, children and money first.  If there was anything left over, it was hers.  This is the life I know. I find both comfort and pain in the life I know. The life that made certain that I understood I was not good enough.
I am living a very complicated life
My life is full in some of the most loving important ways
But empty in my core when I go to bed at night
It is the life I know.

     "The Life I Know"  India Arie

Sunday, January 19, 2014

I Need Art


I miss the hours and days spent in the studio. The craving to create, even create bad work. I am feeling like I have forsaken who and what I am in pursuit of what others have expected and honored. It was an accomplishment, it kept me from focusing on all of the physical things I could no longer do, but when it was done, and I had my degree, there was no tangible evidence of my involvement.
 No color, no shape, no texture, no emotion
Time to go back into the studio,I need the
physical proof that I am alive and feeling!
                                                   I need art!
                  
"I Need You"  The Beatles                   

Saturday, January 18, 2014

My little world....


My little world is creative, exposed, different and unique.  Some get it, some do not.  I want my little world to be the place where I am not afraid to admit that I want to be heard, seen and.....loved.

     
           "What the World Needs Now"  Jackie DeShannon

Friday, January 17, 2014

The Secret of Life...any fool can do it...there ain't nothing to it!

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
Any fool can do it, there ain't nothing to it.
Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill.
But since we're on our way down, we might as well enjoy the ride.

The secret of love is in opening up your heart.
It's okay to feel afraid, but don't let that stand in your way.
Cause anyone knows that love is the only road.
And since we're only here for a while, might as well show some style.

Give us a smile.
Isn't it a lovely ride? Sliding down, gliding down,
try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.

Now the thing about time is that time isn't really real.
It's just your point of view, how does it feel for you?
Einstein said he could never understand it all.
Planets spinning through space, the smile upon your face, welcome to the human race.

Some kind of lovely ride. I'll be sliding down, I'll be gliding down.
Try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.
Isn't it a lovely ride? Sliding down, gliding down,
try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.
The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.


"The Secret of Life"  James Taylor

one voice...

It is just one small voice,  
one life, 
one story, 
but when I talk  about it, it has more energy, more strength and more competence
than I could have ever imagined.

One voice that never has and never will have a single focus.
One voice that is often loud and unsophisticated but always passionate.
One voice is the only thing I have that is truly mine, it cannot be taken away from me unless I give my permission.  I do not!
One voice the only real method I have to show the world who and what I am.
I do not want to be ashamed of  being seen and heard....(wow....that is a big one!)
it is my one voice, are you listening?

 
"Strip Me" Natasha Bedingfield

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Feeling Alright!

After so many years and so much hurt, no matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts I get through it.  I wake up in the morning and make coffee. I am feeling alright!  Obeying the cliche'.... Life goes on…
The pain  hurts but it teaches.  The pain makes me strong, and I build another wall to protect myself. Then I wonder…..are the walls keeping new pain out or are they holding the old pain in?
Does it matter?  I am feeling alright.
            "Feeling Alright" Joe Cocker

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Bubble Toes!

Snausage toes ….is what I call my ugly, swollen, fat feet days.  But today I am letting the my music give me a different perspective! Bubble Toes.  Yea, that is the ticket…. me and my Bubbley Toes we are dancing this morning!                                                                                 
                                    
"Bubble Toes" Jack Johnson        

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Beautiful?

Eventually I will not be so na├»ve. I may get smart enough NOT to believe what others tell me what beautiful is. Beautiful, is said to be in the eye of the beholder. Or at least that’s what many of us were told. In the humanities and social sciences, we are taught beauty is socially constructed. In the natural sciences, it is argued that certain features are biologically more aesthetically pleasing. Genetically generated to attract a mate and insure the longevity of a species.   We are constantly confronted with beauty – what it is and what it’s supposed to be? Physical, spiritual, intellectual?
Can everyone be beautiful?
If everyone is beautiful, then is anyone really "more" beautiful?
And why do I care so much?
Because my concept of beauty, my concept of me, like so many other things in my life is just another example of a perception I placed in other people’s hands to figure out, to believe in and to live up to.
I “feel” most beautiful, when I am confident, when I am happy, when I am creating, doing something that is kind and compassionate and loving; something that doesn’t necessarily have to do with my appearance. At the end of the day, it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel beautiful; it’s mine.
Am I finally getting brave enough to realistically look at beautiful for myself?


"Beautiful"  Carol King               

Monday, January 13, 2014

I Crave a Different Kind of Buzz


My question is just how many times or how badly do I have to be broken before I get to be whole. I mean really really whole.  And what the hell defines a whole person, anyway?  I suspect “whole” is a fairy tale.  One of those happy platitudes we all bow to and never achieve.  I promise, there has never been a time, at any point of my life, that I willing let myself be broken.  I went down kicking and screaming every single time.  Why can’t I be broken and whole at the same time?  I want a different kind of buzz…Let me live that fantasy.
                       
 "Royals" Lorde

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The answers are staring at me!

A new year, new college degree (BA Art Administration, UMASS) and a serious case of “what the hell do I do next” has set in!
Feeling good every day, passionate about creating, connected to my own soul and to the universe, excited, laughing and launching fearlessly into anything and everything life has to offer me is my mission.

While sitting in my chair contemplating how I was going to accomplish this, I looked up and the answers are staring at me!

"Express Yourself" Charles Wright, the 5th Street Band

Saturday, January 11, 2014

It is dark in here!

I have spent the last few years steeped in the confines of college classes, measuring my success every semester by letter grade.  Those same few years, doctors have measured my heart's decline in numbers. Letters and numbers defined me but not once did any of them ask me “How does your soul feel?” The numbers and letters are the box I have been living in.
It is time for me to quit hiding in their boxes, it is really dark in there!

         "Unwritten" Natasha Bedingfield
and the final grades have been posted, WHEW....Natural Disasters, Physical Science A and Grant Writing B....I am finally finally finally DONE

Friday, January 10, 2014

Desire Mapping - Core Desires!




Getting into Danielle LaPorte's Desire Mapping and came up with and want to align myself and everything I do with MY CORE DESIRES. I think this is it! From here on out I want these feelings every day!

Passionate
Connected
Fearless
Excited


"All Right Now"  Free

Already feeling naked!

Are you eff-ing kidding me? As if vulnerable is not horrifying enough….
Had I not experienced this ridiculous art truth myself I would be balking much louder.  In fact, the first few times this ridiculous platitude came across my desk, I poo-pooed and pitched it.  However, after reading a couple of Eric Maisel’s books I gave him much more credence and revisited this particular quote.  All of the sudden I began seeing this advice in other places. 
Feel the fear and do it anyway,
 Everything you want is on the other side of fear,
The trouble is if you do not risk anything, you risk more
I am already feeling naked…..really, do I have to discard more armor?

   "The Stripper"  David Rose Orchestra

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Happy... Lesson #1

Happy is the feeling I love. It is the place I want to be.  But, it is also the one thing I regularly and voluntarily give away.
Why do I do that? 
I allow myself to put my happiness in the hands of friends, strangers and family then allow my feelings to be hurt when they do not know how to or cannot return the happiness.   I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure ­­­it out how or why it happens or maybe it is time for me to put on my big girl panties and take responsibility for my own happiness.  I need to learn the difference between sharing my happiness and giving it away.  
I am tickled to share my happiness with any and every one! Please, stand next to me, revel in joy, celebrate silliness and bask in love.  I will gladly share all the happiness I have with any and everyone I know,  but I choose to not give my happiness away anymore. 
Happy lesson #1.....Do NOT give it away, share it.

    "Happy"(from Despicable Me) Pharrell Williams

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Feel Something

And art is the most beautiful thing!

Art will never leave. It is always there, although I have walked away from it many times.

Art is always honest. I know exactly how I feel about me and about the work.

Art is not always kind! It will tell me immediately when it is bad.

Art does not hide it’s ugly parts.

Art responds immediately when I give it my focus and attention.

Art does not lie.  I may not understand it at the time, but it never lies.

Art always makes me feel something and that in itself is beautiful!
She doesn't look nice, She looks like art, and I hope she makes you feel something!

"Beautiful"  India Arie

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Pieces of me...



I understand that I can be a piece of someone else’s life, perhaps my problem is that I want to tell them how and where I fit.  I want my “puzzles” to be correct pretty pictures, and the reality of the situation is that I have no idea or control over what others need from me to fill their holes.

All I can do is feel the joy and feel the hurt every time I give away pieces of my heart and accept the fact I may never truly understand where I fit.


"No Other Way"  Jack Johnson          

Monday, January 6, 2014

FEAR....again....


It occurs to me that the one subject that turns up here over and over and over again is fear!  It never seems to go away.  Every once in a while, I feel like I get a handle on it, but it slips away so easily.  I wonder, do I have more fear than most, or am I just willing to admit that fear is most likely the single most destructive and motivating emotion I have.

          "Into the Mystic" Van Morrison

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Next?



I do not know how, when or why. As a creative I should at least be able to imagine what I want my future to look like. Why can’t I envision my own future? My entire life has been about planning, creating goals, and then striving to attain them. I have recently attained some big goals, and I do not know how to take the next step. I know what the typical next step is, I mean the step everyone else takes, but am fairly certain that is not for me. I am putting what comes next in a brand new light and it is scary! Why is my soul here? What am I supposed to do next? When will I know?

 
"(Till I reach the) Highest Ground"  Stevie Wonder

Friday, January 3, 2014

Be thankful....


Fragile

"If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are"
                                                     -Sting

"Fragile"  Sting, Chris Boti, Yo-Yo Ma, Dominic Miller