life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014...I Hope You Dance

Thinking about all that was done and left undone in 2013, wondering what is ahead for me in 2014.  As much as we are all told that we can accomplish anything, the reality is that sometimes it is not all in our control.  Regardless of how long and hard we try, sometimes it just will not happen.

The only thing I have total and complete control of....is how I feel.
That is what I will be focusing on this year.  How do I want to feel?

      
      "I Hope You Dance"  Leanne Womack

Monday, December 30, 2013

Because I didn't...

Because I didn't is the the lesson that others should!

Hope


It is the best example of "Damned if you do  & Damned if you Don't" I can imagine. It is so easy to put my hope in other peoples hands, then suffer when things do not happen like I want them to. I have to assume at least half of the responsibility, I am the one that is willing to give up of my heart and hope to others . I have got to learn to own  and control my own hope. I cannot depend on anyone else...
          "There's Hope"  India Arie

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Perfect Girl....



Maybe it is me, maybe it is the size of the canvas, maybe it is working in a medium that I am not that strong or maybe it is some of all of the above...but I really want her to be a perfect girl, and it just is not happening!


    "Perfect Girl" Sarah McLachlan

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Desire Map....Woo-Hoo!

The last week of 2013 is here and I am ready and excited about starting 2014 full of life, love, laughing and creating! Yes, there are a host of issues that will follow me from the  past into this New Year but I am committed to finding a new way to deal with them. I am so looking forward to meeting regularly with creatives reading and discussing the book“The Desire Map” by Danielle Laporte with them.  It already feels so good and so right!

 
            "Belly Belly Nice"    DMB

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Hallelujah…

There is no other time that brings back more memories than a quiet Christmas morning.
 
The joy of that first Christmas day with Jason, after he spent weeks in the hospital. I brought my new born son home at 4 lbs 11 oz. for Christmas.
 
The endless Christmas eve nights spent up all night assembling toys and bicycles were worth every moment just to hear the 15 seconds of happy squeals when the boys first see what Santa brought. Darren looking at me and saying, “See Mom…I told you I had been good!”

Those Christmas mornings were wild and crazy, there was so much wrapping paper you could not see the floor, I ached for a quiet relaxed Christmas morning, now I would give anything to just have one of those Christmases back!

This year I had the most wonderful family gathering, took my grandsons ice-skating, had a perfect intimate "Enchilada Eve" with my dearest friend and some family, but Christmas mornings are where the memories live.

Remembering and grateful this Christmas morning.

Hallelujah…


"Hallelujah"   Hannah Trigwell

Darren got me new head phones.....mmmmm....
now I can REALLY TURN THE WORLD OFF!

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Snake with Wings!

Every once in a while, I recognize an incredible special creative spirit! They are so magnificently evident,  it is hard to believe that anyone could avoid being pulled into their orbit. They have wild infectious uninhibited spirits, you are drawn into their world.

 And God bless the parents that recognize the gregarious talents. They nurture and foster these budding creatives to recognize and attain the full potential of their innate talents even when it is hard.

Way to go Miss Zofia!  You are indeed a star! Whether it is a snake with wings or the misfit angel of the Lord, you shine on everyone around you!  Thank you!

Breakthrough Theater, Winter Park
"The Greatest Christmas Pageant Ever"
Dec 18, 2013

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

sURpriSe !!!!!!

You all came together, surprised the crap out of me, celebrating my BA in Arts Administration (UMASS)! I have never been so grateful, touched and honored. No formal graduation could have ever meant more to me.

For 15 years, I have met with creatives every summer and each second Sunday of the month for the rest of the year in a little classroom behind the Casselberry Art House Gallery. We have been on a collective creative journey. We have held each other’s hearts, we have shepherded each other’s talents, learned how to let go of the past, honored our inspirations, to create, sing, dance, write, draw, sculpt, paint and use our bodies, our imaginations and all of our talents to the fullest. Then….we put it all on exhibition! It is far from the typical bunch of artists!

I have always wondered….am I good enough, was I making a difference. Frankly, most of the time, I have felt like a giant fraud and any minute you would all figure out that it has never really been about me teaching you, but the other way around, you teaching me. Over the years, you have all given me so much. The most incredible creatives have come into my life through that back room, we have learned, laughed, cried and grown together. You have given me the greatest gift, the gift of meaning to my art and my life.

I am so grateful to have you all in my life. Thank you Joy & Wendy for organizing, Thank you creatives, painters, sculptors, musicians, writers, drawers, family and friends, for being here, celebrating this milestone with me. Thank you all for the marvelous gifts, cards, oodles of champagne, killer cake, yummy food but most of all the incredible scrap book you made for me. Your kindness, your generosity, your love and all of your incredible talents will live in my heart forever. Thank you is just not a big enough word to tell you all how I feel! But, until we create a bigger better word it is the best I can do….again…Thank you all!

And no…… I still do not know what I want to do when I grow up!


"Thank You" Natalie Merchant

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Screw the Rules!

Mark Twain
I have spent a lifetime being (and not very well) what someone else has dictated I should be, following all of the rules. Most of the time I do not know who those “someones” are, I have never met them but they are experts and made the rules and I have followed them. How to look, act, how much money I should have, how a lady behaves,  how a mother should raise children, how a wife should honor her husband, when a mother in-law should speak, the list goes on and on.  I have done all of these things by the rules.  Sometimes they worked, but more often they didn’t. 
Every time they didn’t, I felt like a failure. These “someones” judge me, they are voices in my head, they are always critical, they always point out everything I have done wrong and continue to do wrong without any consideration to what makes me happy.

It is my turn to be happy…. 
As long as I am not hurting anyone else
 …screw the rules!
           
 "Back to Life" EnVogue

Saturday, December 7, 2013

VoG women...


You get one trip through life, how incredibly lucky I am to have these wonderful creative women on this journey with me! 

And wine....Yep that is it...
Wonderful creative women and wine!


       "Sweet Inspiration"  Elio Pace

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Learn it for Yourself

Lyrics from "For Good" from the Broadway play Wicked
They just spoke to me today!

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good


"For Good"  from "Wicked

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

My "BLOG" book is off to the printer...Woo-Hoo!

                    
                           "She's Not Afraid"  One Direction

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

NOW... is the time....

I have noticed large amounts of grousing here lately. This is not an apology, I am not sorry but it is perhaps an explanation. Grousing and writing is how I process the anger and frustration I have when this crappy heart failure snatches life and profoundly influences my days, my decisions, and my happiness.

I look at myself in the mirror and I look deceptively well. I work at it! I want  me and you to believe I am normal but the fact is I struggle everyday. I have to struggle for normal every "effin" day!

Heart failure is the inability of the heart muscle to pump enough blood to meet my body's needs. Heart failure creates a nasty mess of symptoms, and every one of them piss me off, severe loss of energy, chest pain, shortness of breath, coughing, dizziness, confusion, fat feet, swollen stomach, and extreme exhaustion at the drop of a hat. What I once did with little thought or effort is now a flipping monumental undertaking. And when I do them any way (and most of the time it is so worth it!) I am out of commission for several days afterward. My entire body, organs, tissues, and brain are starving and screaming desperately for the blood that is being denied to them. Heart failure sucks, it is debilitating, and gets progressively worse with time.

Today is as good as it gets, 

it does not get better.
what EVER I have wanted to do
NOW is the time!

" I Haven't Got Time for the Pain"  Carly Simon

You Live, You Learn

and yet time and time and time again
I hand over my power
react wildly or inappropriately 
and then I wonder
how could they?
where is their heart, why don't they understand 
and the question really needs to be
Why did I give them that power?
Taking back MY power!

     
  "(You Live, You Learn) Jagged Little Pill"  Alanis Morrisette

Sunday, December 1, 2013

And She Smiles When She Feels Like Crying

And she smiles when she feels like crying.  An amazing amount of hurt and anger.  Why did I think time would change anything?  There are people in this world that will never understand. I cannot afford to give them any more of my energy.

"On and On" Gilbert & Sullivan