life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Saturday, November 30, 2013

RoAd tRiP

There are no circumstances that a "ROAD TRIP" will not cure!
Topping off the holiday weekend
with a birthday road trip trip to see all of my little guys, who by the way, are not so little any more!
A whole mess of them from 38 yr to 5 yr. all boys. Two sons, 4 grandsons. Two of them celebrating birthdays this week ....
All of them very BUSY!
Guaranteed to inspire me, or wear me out
Either way it will be so much fun!



"Hold On, I'm Coming" Sam & Dave

Friday, November 29, 2013

Damn....another cha-cha-cha




and another monumental round of the cha-cha-cha
2 steps forward, one big step back
I believe in magic...I believe in magic...I believe in magic...I believe in magic...I believe in magic...
I was not ready for this....but it is happening anyway
1-2 cha-cha-cha
3-4 cha-cha-cha



"Smooth" Santana'

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving

There are some women and most men that have been born and survive daily without the desirable “cooking gene”. Science has not yet unraveled the mysterious set of circumstances that prevent the cooking gene from developing in the normal human being. This DNA anomaly is a lifelong condition that literally millions of people live through daily! The most glaring evidence of this condition is an irrational fear of the kitchen, followed by panic out breaks in grocery stores and an inability to follow recipes. For those of us living daily without the cooking gene…..Cooking is just another household chore, just one-step above cleaning the toilet.

You can only imagine how terrifying Thanksgiving is for women (and most men) that suffer with “NCG” (no cooking gene). The entire annual holiday that is dedicated to cooking. Yes, they tell you that it is about giving thanks and being grateful, but that is a clever ruse.

To alleviate the stress brought on by Thanksgiving and NCG our small family will not be celebrating Thanksgiving in the traditional way! I will indeed be giving thanks, but not by using every pot & pan in my tiny kitchen, cooking bad food all day, washing, soaking and scraping all night, then stuffing a refrigerator full of leftovers that will probably spoil before they are eaten and eventually be thrown out. And of course the worst part, the incredible guilt I feel because by the end of Thanksgiving Day I have truly hated the entire experience, and am anything but thankful.

This year we celebrated Thanksgiving on Wednesday evening, said grace irreverently over a bloomin onion with a very tall glass of really cold beer, a perfectly cooked steak with all the trimmings, all cooked and served by someone else! A perfect evening spent in the company of dear friends and family with good food and marvelous conversation, my perfect picture of Thanksgiving.

So today, I celebrate Thanksgiving Day by gloriously reveling in all of my incredible blessings with interesting conversations, funny stories, being creative, watching parades and football
…..But.... there will be no cooking!

For all of my loved ones, family and friends, near and far, I am truly thankful, you are in my heart today and every day!

Happy Thanksgiving!
"You'll be in my Heart"  Phil Collins

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Almost an Official College Graduate!


Woo-Hoo! ...BADLY Dancing my Ass off!

I am in the final approach, and got the official word from my academic adviser that all of my records, credits, grades are approved and I may file the official "Intent to Graduate".
I am a happy and I am dancing, and happy and dancing and cannot wait for this to be over.....
Two more weeks and I am an 
Official College Graduate from UMASS with a BA in Arts Administration.
This was a BIG ONE on my Bucket List.  Yay Me!


"Walk this Way" Aerosmith

Strong!


It’s all about choices! I am strong because that is what I choose!  Crappy days will come. There is no avoiding them! It is how I get through them that defines who I am. And sometimes I forget how strong I can be. I am screwing up my courage, putting on my big girl panties. It is all about being strong.
I have been through the crap, I am still here, I am smiling and I am strong!

 "Strong"  One Direction

Monday, November 25, 2013

On these days…I Need This...

On these days…
It is harder than it should be, it takes longer.
Proportion evades scale,
perspective is skewed.
I cannot trust my own emotions, they betray me.
I am incapable of receiving the love I do have,
Focusing on the pain of what I do not have.
I know these days are necessary,
But do these days have to hurt so much?
On these days…I want to quit, I need it to stop!

I need, The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, 
The weakness, I need this
I need A lullaby, A kiss goodnight, The angel sweet, Love of my life, Oh, I need this

"My Skin"  Natalie Merchant

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Scratch it and Get Glad



I had an unusual mother-in-law that had the most marvelous “one liners” and my favorite was “Scratch it and get glad"  I think it basically means crap is going to come into our lives…everybody is going to get their share.  And although in theory is misery loves company, the reality is nobody loves misery.   Misery may gather a crowd for a little while, but it will not last and  in the meantime, the crap takes over your life. If you want a happy life, full of friends, life and love, "scratch it and get glad"!

"
"Put the Lime in the Coconut"  Harry Nillson

Saturday, November 23, 2013

"Don't Give Up"

A wonderful day, a wonderful friend that has survived the most painful loss any woman could possibly imagine continues to teach me every day, that no matter how hard it gets, how much it hurts, how many times I cry, I need to be strong, do not let the past take away my power and don't give up. Pain and survival pull us together.  It provides an unspoken but incredibly strong bond.  It is through that bond, that her words carry immense significance, and when she tells me just be the best I can be today and whatever that is, she will stand beside me. I believe her with all of my heart. Thank you for a perfect day! Thank you for my incredibly creative, strong, deep thinking, open hearted  friend. I am so lucky!


"Don't Give Up" Herbie Hancock, Pink, John Legend

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Art...Art I want you!



To be in the company of 2 other dear VoG women made it a great evening.
Surrounded by art created by children was fun and inspiring!
VoG Women, engaged in art and life.
How lucky I am to have these women and art in my life.

                   "Art" Tanya Davis

Julia Child is one of my all time heroes, not because I like to cook, as a matter of fact I hate to cook!  But she has always been my living proof, that passion about creativity transcends all cultural expectations of success. She always did what she was passionate about.  She was admired, loved, and incredibly successful in the eyes of those she loved and the public, even though she was not young and physically attractive.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

MiSTAKES


MiSTAKES.....I have more than my glaring and obvious share of them.  I have many many many "rip roaring cannot believe she did that" others to choose from.  The choices are virtually endless, but every one of them came with a wonderful lesson. If the truth be known, I suspect it would work out to be about a 50-50 split, good to bad lessons.  But, if I knew then - what I know now, I would have made a whole lot more mistakes, and loved every minute.


Stand back, I have enough time, energy and inclination to make a whole lot more amazing mistakes….Ooh La La!

          "Ooh La La"  Faces (Rod Stewart)

Sunday, November 17, 2013

How Do You Let it Go?


When you spend a lifetime creating, gathering, holding on to, and shaping life, letting go is a difficult concept to wrap my heart around.  I cannot allow myself to stop creating, loving, laughing, living, but I do so knowing that at some point I will have to let it go.  It is a new element in everything I do and it makes every day, everyone and everything full of more importance and passion.  No one shows or tells you how you let it go, I am figuring out how to do that on my own and it is not easy.

         "Into the Mystic" Van Morrison

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Say Things


Depending on words... More so than ever before, between school and the computer.  Finding a level of frustration rising as I spend less and less time in the visual and more and more time with words.  The words are ok, and I find that I can express myself adequately, but not the same, not the same as colors and shapes.  It feels like wearing  gloves to thread a needle.  I will try to communicate a feeling but the intensity will just not be there.  I respect the talents of writers more and more every day!



"Shape of My Heart" Sting, Josh Groban, Chris Boti

Thursday, November 14, 2013

As Soon as They Know



Sometimes the hardest part of this happens when they find out or when I tell them.  Some are able to take it in stride, a short hick-up, and an I “never knew” and we move on, others seem almost betrayed, hurt and afraid. They will smile politely reply I am so sorry and in an instant I can feel the emotional withdrawal begin and they quietly back out of my life forever. Where is the book that teaches me how to do this?
The one thing I know is…. as soon as they know,everything is different and that is the part that I hate the most…I am still me nothing has changed! .


"All We Are, We Are"
 Matt Nathanson

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Boom shaka-laka... Boom shaka-laka

Ever have one of those days that things feel like they just might go right? Of course after yesterday…that would not be hard.

First I was stood up for a lunch date, nothing more humiliating than being seated by the hostess who has been told you are expecting a second.....that never shows up.  You know they are all staring!   So, do you pay for 1 iced tea and slink out or order lunch, like I am a strong, independent woman.  I came here....a single...in a booth...ON PURPOSE!  The broccoli cheese soup was spectacular!

Then in the midst of communicating with the state government and uploading requested information to their web site my internet/cable goes down. As if communicating with the government and navigating their red tape was not already fraught with technical difficulty!

The afternoon was peppered with phone calls from grown children wanting to know what the Thanksgiving and Christmas family plans were. (which evidently I have not done anything about!)  Crap, wasn't Easter last week?

Then showed up for a board meeting whose location had been moved, and I missed the memo on the venue change…..ooosh, how embarrassing.

Having survived yesterday I am due for a little boom shaka-laka!

Bring it on!
" I Want to Take You Higher"  Ike and Tina Turner

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

We all do it the same….

"But we never say a thing and these crimes between us grow deeper."
Often wonder when all doing it the same became what we want in life.  For many years it was all I wanted.  To be the same, to not stand out, to be perfectly normal, conducting myself in the socially accepted manner that commanded the admiration and attention…..of who?

Now...I want more than anything to
not be the same!
"When all the little ants are marching-Red and black antennas waving 
They all do it the same-They all do it the same way"

"Ants Marching"  Dave Matthews Band
11/12/13
all in a row

Monday, November 11, 2013

Slow down, Hurry up, Take your time, But I am not finished yet!

They say “slow down”  enjoy the journey, smell the roses
I say “hurry up” There is so much I want to feel and do
They say “take your time” you move to fast, be patient
I say “but I am not finished yet”  is there enough time? 
patience queen 


"I Don't Want to Wait"  Paula Cole

Friday, November 8, 2013

Arms Wide Open!

Standing with arms wide open, waiting for my next! 
Being open for what comes next does not mean I am not worried, excited and nervous about what comes next! I have no idea what “next” is going to be, but I do know it has to be something new and different , it just has to be. The old comfortable knowing  no longer connects with me and I am feeling stagnant and stale. 
I am ready for my "next", take me there!


"I'll Take You There"  The Staple Singers

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Pick a Good one...

All the years growing up, the years of young motherhood, the years of corporate politics, the years of family dysfunction and not one time in my considerable life did anyone tell me I was in charge of my own moods! I have to wonder how different things might have been if I was in control of emotions and moods rather than the other way around.

I still do not have total control over this, every now and again there is a foul mood sneak attack. The "I am mad at the world or vice versa the world is mad at me", "I feel so sorry for myself", and my personal favorite "nobody loves me" nasty moods will slip into my life when least wanted or expected!

For the first time in my life I have figured out that for the most part, I am in charge of my moods and to bastardize the words of Scarlett O’Hara “as God as my witness, I will never” be in a bad mood again. I am only picking the good ones!

There is beauty in the world I just have to know it is there and figure out how to see it. I am in charge!

 
"There is Beauty in the World" Macy Gray    

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Moving On....


Accepting reality, looking at every situation for what it really is instead of what I want it to be….and MOVING ON. I think perhaps artists and creatives may have a harder time at this than most “normal” people.
But maybe my inability and/or unwillingness to accept ugly reality is what makes my life wonderful!


"Peace be Upon Us"   Sheryl Crow

Sunday, November 3, 2013

me..

In some ways, I’m afraid of writing, or some part of me is afraid of what people will think about me. I've written some things here that I would be afraid to talk about with any one. Yet I still write here because – well, I need to reassure myself. If I can write about it, I have lived through it, I have survived it and I have learned from it. Here, I am myself, as much myself as I can be through words. Here I am exposed.  Most of my heart, fears, doubts, happy days, and celebrations are here. That’s me, here behind and in between these words.  

"ME" Paula Cole

Keep Moving

My heart and soul had run dry and I looked outside of myself for help. At first it was not easy, I felt like I was giving me and my power away to fill those empty places, but when it brought so much incredible enjoyment it became easier and fun.

Now, when I stand outside my situation and observe.... I am watching those fun and fulfilling expectations turning into needy frustrating dependency.

I am learning that expectation is stealing my power and dependency embezzling my happiness.

If I want to keep my balance, I cannot expect or depend on anything from anyone but me.
I must keep moving.

"What a Fool Believes"  Doobie Brothers

Saturday, November 2, 2013

The Spark of Passion




I take a deep breath and silently ask my heart 
for the strength to never ever listen to anyone 
who tells me to stop being myself. 
Then I promise my heart 
to forever embrace my eccentricities. 
To breathe in the spark of passion
that lights the fire in my soul
and to always surround myself 
with the wild energy that makes my heart tingle.


       
"Let it be Me" Indigo Girls

Friday, November 1, 2013

I am


I claim to be all of these things,
but in reality,
all of them are much easier said than done.
For the most part,
it is a theory I subscribe to
but talking about it
and doing are very different things.
It is time for me to quit talking,
step up to the plate, and start doing.

I want to be.

I am.

"Superman"  Five for Fighting