life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

fEaRLeSs…..



The world does not expect me to be happy, powerful and loved.

I take away the power of unrealistic and false expectations,
every time I smile, giggle 
and do something I am not supposed to do!

Laughing, living, loving, creating, dancing
and incredibly grateful every day!

F-ing"expletive"  fEaRLeSs…..


"All Right Now"  Free    

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

She Did it Anyway


I have been thought of, and sometimes called (to my face)
reckless, 
unmanageable, 
spirited, 
irresponsible, 
careless, 
strong 
and uncontrollable. 
I probably deserve these adjectives and others. 
I do not think they mean to hurt me, maybe they want to 
preserve me, 
slow me down, 
protect me, 
keep me, 
shelter me,
but every time I hear one of those words,
I am weakened.
I have a voice,
I am going to do it anyway, 
because I am incredibly alive, I am brave and
I have so much more to do!


"Strip Me"  Natasha Bedingfield

Monday, October 28, 2013

Willing to play the game…

I had to be willing to play the game, before I was comfortable enough to change the rules. The rules are like insurmountable walls created by nameless people and entities that are established for the purpose of controlling me, my behavior and establishing socially accepted winners. Some rules are good and necessary, but in life and in art I am learning how and when to break the rules to create the art and the life I am craving.

To truly live and understand life and creativity, I have to be patient, I have to be willing to play the game by the rules before I can know how to successfully bend and break them.

"So, don't mind if I fall apart...there is more room in a broken heart.  I believe in love."


       "Coming Around Again"  Carly Simon

Sunday, October 27, 2013

The Bad Place

Why am I so quick to go straight to the bad place? 
Every time things do not go as I expect them to, 
my brain will “go to the bad place” 
and begin unpacking  the worst case scenarios. 
They are always negative.
I am not good enough...
do not do enough, am not smart enough,
forgot, said too much, did not speak up
am not young enough, do not make enough money, 
not skinny enough. 
the list of bad places could fill this page.
Why do I go there?

This time......I am going to another place!
"Everyone's Gone to the Moon"  Chad & Jeremy

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Nobody ever told me

I have had a life full of being told 
how to
what to
and when to
No one ever told me to 
Just be who I am.
To look into my own heart
do and follow my own dreams.
Nobody ever told me
Just be who you are!


"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

Friday, October 25, 2013

Chaos

I am watching chaos dance around my life, not in my life, but all around me. I find myself dodging chaos at all costs and I begin to question whether or not chaos is just a part of life. Is there some connection between chaos and passion. Could it be unbridled passion creates the chaos and/or does it feed the other way also, does the chaos ignite unbridled passion.

Am I doing myself any favors by avoiding chaos at all costs?


"Just Dropped In"  Kenny Rogers and the 1st Edition

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

NOT Stopping!






hmmmm...I hear this question a lot...
and my answer is

I do not know what the hell I am doing...
But I am not stopping!
                                            "Pata Pata"  Miriam Makeba"

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Day #1 Year #5

a fighter
dancing through the fire...
turn it way up!


I am Making Progress!

There can be no doubt that I am making amazing progress, because I am making colossal new mistakes!

I try so very hard to NOT let my heart take the lead in my life…but it sneaks up on me and when I least suspect it
oooooooosh……NEW MISTAKE….
 I wish life came with operating instructions!


"Reflections"  The Marmelade

Monday, October 21, 2013

What Does Bohemian Mean?


I wish it made more sense!

But I would not count on it!  

If it does not speak to our hearts and passions, there is a good chance we cannot-will not behave in ways that are expected.

Fear, everyone is doing it, or those are the rules, will never be a good reason to perform, conform, change our minds or agree.

What you can expect and count on from me or any other self-confessed Bohemian is complete focus and dedication to an ideal, concept,  person, organization,  etc. etc. that touches our hearts.

We operate from the heart and in all likelihood will be the most authentic, honest, trustworthy people you will ever know.

Celebrate the Bohemian in yourself and others!

                                           "I'm Free"  Soup Dragons

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Happy Heart.....4 year Anniversary!

Every October while everyone else is promoting pink for breast cancer,
I celebrate RED.... for my heart!

Four years ago this week I began the most incredible journey of my life.  A massive heart attack, an aortic pump, a stent and a week in intensive cardiac care left me with significant left ventricle heart damage. Alive... it was an ugly life wake up call.

The first year I spent in denial, chasing cures, stem cell trials, and surgical options. I was willing to take any chances to fix my broken heart and get my life back. I finally gave up when the high risk thoracic surgeon at Shands said that the surgery could be life threatening. My arteries would most likely not hold the grafts, restarting my damaged heart after by-pass could be difficult leaving LVAD as my only option for heart function. The best possible outcome, was not worth the risk.

The second year I was alone, unfixable, angry and still in shock. I was not prepared for any of this and I refused to accept it. I was mad, felt sorry for myself, whined and cried a lot! (and as it turns out, I am really really good at bitching, whining and crying!)  Seven magnificent creative "VoG" women stood with me and held me up when I did not have the emotional or physical strength to do it on my own.

The third year I realized I was still here, still alive. I began creating and writing again. I realized I was wasting my precious time and aggressively began the war to take my life back. My creative heart led the charge.

And this, the fourth most glorious year,  I am learning how to embrace compromise and work around the physical difficulties. I can still love, laugh, create and celebrate my life.  

I cannot wait for my fifth year to begin.  I have so much more to do, to experience, to create, to live, to love and to learn.

Happy Anniversary to my most amazing heart, that against the odds continues to support me and the life I love every day....every day!
                                                                                  Now....I live every day! Now....I love every day!
  
     "Every Day" Dave Matthews Band

Sometimes I am Terrified

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
Each one of us has cause to think and 
have deep gratitude to those who have lit the flame within us.
On an early full moon morning I finally screwed up my courage
and allowed myself to be weak, 
admitting that
I need,
I want
 I love. 
I can write it here, without fear,
but I am still afraid to ask,
 and honestly tell another person 
how and what I feel.

                                                       I do not regret exposing myself, 
                                         but I am still afraid that openly expressing my feelings
                                                  will compromise how others see me and  
                                                          undermine my own strength. 



"Strength, Courage & Wisdom"  India Arie

Friday, October 18, 2013

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Tequila & Tiaras

There are very few people that can claim a best friend for life....So how lucky am I to have Terry!  We do not know the exact date we met, but will agree we were 4 to 5 years old.  Through nursery school, kindergarten, and some of elementary school.  We were separated by divorced parents, but in high school we both found ourselves back in Leesburg.

We have survived, husbands, children, and the deaths of parents and grandparents....and still we are here and still best friends!

And on easy fall evenings, in Nanny's kitchen, (and I am sure she was watching and shaking her head at us) a magnificent mess of margaritas were made.  We toasted our lives, our friends, those we have lost, those that are still here and a serious case of the silly giggles set in when we realized how lucky we truly are....and that is what best freinds are for!


"Tequila" The Champs

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Too Old for School



Finally finishing my last semester of college.  I groused at my son when he was in college on the 6-year plan, never considering that one day I might be in the same position, but this time it is more like the 30-year plan.  Having a college degree has always been a lifelong dream of mine, but life, work, marriage, and child rearing consumed me, there was just never any time.

The children are grown, life took a dramatic change and I have had the marvelous opportunity to actively pursue that dream, but every flipping semester about mid-term I find myself sitting in front of piles of books, exams and term papers asking myself, “What the hell are you doing?  You are too old to be in school!”


         "Wonderful World"  Sam Cooke

Monday, October 14, 2013

Wild Wand Waving…


Do you believe in magic??
Got a Monday morning working here….
and needing all the wild wand waving I can get. A fairy godmother (a far cry from my ballerina days) and a magic wand will do the trick!
School work...
wand and pooooooof it disappears!
Laundry…
wand and poooooooof folded and put away!
Friend having medical tests...
wand and poooooof the results are perfect!
You getting the idea???? 
This wand waving stuff, could really catch on!

If you believe in magic, come along with me... We'll dance until mornin' 
'til there's just you and me
                                                                                                                                                        
Magic!                                                               "Do You Believe in Magic?" Loving Spoonful

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Big Ass Canvas.....still scares me

Big ass canvas coming..... 60" by 40" .....and it is fighting me the whole way. Struggling with proportion like a crazy woman. Although yesterday I took it off the easel turned it lengthwise standing on the floor and all of the sudden several issues resolved themselves. If you are familiar with Betty Edwards' Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain you will understand exactly why that made such a difference! Why didn't I think of this earlier!!!

For the first time in more time than I can remember, I am painting, NOT on a deadline and it is wonderful. Each creative discovery is an act of faith, every artistic resolution is a celebration!

Although there is a major amount of fear that lurks every time I pick up the brush, pushing through it continues to be empowering. She and I have a long, long, long way to go!

                                                                                                                                                                                      "Woman" John Lennon

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Believe

                                                                  
                                                                            "There is a Mountain"  Donovan

Friday, October 11, 2013

Hakuna Matata


Means no worries ...
for the rest of my days!
Worry does not change anything!
Worry does not make it better!
Worry is a waste of life and love!
Worry steals my joy!
Hakuna Matata, Baby, Hakuna Matata
                                                                                       "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing"  Stevie Wonder

Thursday, October 10, 2013

She is Quite Good at it....





I hide it....it is what I do best…the happy, the sad, the hurt.  I do not know any time in my life that I have hidden so much. I have become quite good at it and I do not know how I feel about it. Will hiding spare the pain or will it end up breaking me?


       "Head and Heart"  Gemma Hayes

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

"You're the Only Thing in Your Way"

by Cloud Cult


Drive baby drive, until your trouble's gone.
Run, baby, run, until it all goes numb.

You are the wind, the flood and the flame.
Nothing here can get in your way.
You've come too far to care what they say.
Now you're the only thing in your way.

Fly, baby, fly,
until nothing can get you down.
Sing, baby, sing, until it all comes out.

You are the wind, the flood and the flame.
Nothing here can get in your way.
You've come too far to care what they say.
Now You're the only thing in your way.

Breathe, baby, breathe, until all is calm.
Love, baby, love...

You are the wind, the flood and the flame.
Nothing here can get in your way.
You've come too far to care what they say.
Now You're the only thing in your way.

Nothing has Changed


It is not a big surprise that life changes, in fact the old cliché guarantees us that it is the only thing certain in life. When things are working well and I am happy and comfortable, I like it, I feel like I can get my old life back, and be whole again.

And then my heart changes, I do not know when it is coming, there is no warning, I cannot stop it, and it is so incredibly frustrating. I have no choice but to surrender my physical body to its ugly demands. Fear sets in and I find myself desperately scrambling emotionally to control and make sure nothing else changes.

I will frantically grab and hold on to everything too tight, push myself too hard and fight tooth and toe nail in an effort to prove to me and everyone else that nothing has changed.


       "On & On" Stephen Bishop

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Still Listening.....

As it has always been…when I am confused, flustered and have no idea what to do next, I go hide in the art. Sometimes it is the letting go of and the listening for….that all of the answers will arrive without any additional effort on my part. And…. looking at the size of this canvas, it is telling me there is a whole lot of flustered confusion!
Hiding in the art is a concept I have recently realized is a reoccurring theme throughout my life. I wonder if I am the only one that does this or is this a cleverly disguised perception of a “muse”?

Still staring at this canvas…..nothing yet….but I am still listening.


"Listen to the Music" The Doobie Brothers

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Struggling With Who & What I Am This Week.....

Remembering that artist is 
not just what I am but who I am.

That being an artist is not something 
I woke up and decided to be one day.

It does not turn off or go away just because I am not creating and selling as much as I once did.

I was, I am and I always will be an artist regardless of how much and what I create.
I am an artist!

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Square Peg in a World of Round Holes

I feel like a square peg in a world of round holes.

Alone, different, bizarre....Am I the only one that feels like this?

Do I act my age?  Am I irresponsible, why do things that mean so much to others mean so little to me?  On the other hand why am I so passionate about so many things that are so unimportant to others?

Sometimes all I want in this world is to "fit" in, and I never have.

     
          "Express Yourself"  Charles Watts

cha-cha



Yes, it has been one of those weeks! There was a tremendous disappointment and I do not know which way to step next. There was so much evidence that I was moving in the right direction, and then a huge step backwards undermined all of the confidence I had mustered up.  Still learning how to accept failure with grace and desperately looking for my cha-cha!



              "Sway" Michael Buble'