life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Sunday, March 31, 2013

I am pretty close now!

Another round of pneumonia, another bad experience with the medical industry. Eventually I am going to learn how to do this by myself, and I am pretty close now!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Oh, if there was some way I could I just have 1 ounce of their energy

                                                                                                                                                               

Having spent the most marvelous, active, energetic, busy, never a dull moment weekend with all 4 of my grandsons (ages 5-9) I can honestly say, OMG.....! Even though they are extremely well behaved boys, they are after all, little boys. There are no words that can begin to express how truly blessed I am to be close enough in both distance and emotions to spend vacation weekends with my children their wives and the next generation of Evans’s (even if they are all boys!) Wonderful, cannot hold still for one minute, little boys. Oh, if there was some way I could I just have 1 ounce of their energy.


Sunday, March 17, 2013

I found it!

Several weeks ago, while madly rushing and framing for an art festival my tinker bell disappeared. It is an interesting piece of jewelry. A sterling silver ball that fits in a cradle that hangs on a chain around my neck. The ball has some kind of mechanism inside that makes the most wonderful sweet sound. It is a unique piece that not only functions as jewelry but keeps my nitro and med-alert tag hanging around on the backside of my neck. I don’t have be reminded or look at it or hear it wrangle around my neck unless I need it.

It was a gift from a dear sweet friend and my business partner for many years. We closed our business many years ago when she was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease and I continued with the picture framing business on my own. After 3 agonizing years she died. 

The tinker bell has been a constant and chronic reminder of how strong she was, and in the past few years the sweet sound reminds me that I too can be that strong.   

When I lost it, I was crushed. Finally, I gave up the search and accepted that maybe it was just how it was supposed to be. Maybe it was time to let go of old difficult memories. It was time to move on, move into the future and let go of the past, the loss and the pain. And, when I gave up looking for it, it appeared!

I missed having it around my neck, and I am so happy to have it back. Thank you Universe, I need her strength, I need her to remind me how strong I am going to have to be.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

They Can Live in my Heart, but Not in My Life....

I have ruined many pieces of art overworking them, because I could not let go, I wanted it to look, feel and be different than it was.

So many times in my life, I could not let go of the way I think life, love, friends, siblings and relationships should fit into my life.  Mashing, coloring and reconfiguring them into something I could relate to while ignoring the truth of our situations.

Finally, I am beginning to see the harm I cause myself when I cannot let go of my own distorted views of reality.   I work too hard to make parts of life fit into what I think they should be rather than seeing and accepting them for what they truly are.  I cannot force others to see and share what is in my heart, or to honor what I see as important in my life.
 
The time has come to honor and acknowledge the wonderful experiences I have had, be grateful that I had them, then let go and move forward.  

They can and will be wonderful memories that will live forever in my heart, but not in my life.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Building the New

In the past few years, friends and family will tell me how wonderful I look, I always assume that means that I do not look sick. I am also grossly aware of when I am not looking so good, because those same incredible wonderful friends and family will not say anything at all. I suspect that falls under the heading “If you can’t say anything nice….”   

On the good days (and there are many more of those) I want to explain and justify why I am doing so much better than even the doctors and nurses expected, especially since most of the time I elect not to follow their instructions and medication. I am certainly not recommending this for anyone else, and I do not ignore them all of the time, but my body has been really good at letting me know when things are and are not working.   

It has been a journey and I will freely admit there have been wrong turns along the way. It has been hard to follow my “heart” (excuse the pun) against professional advice, but it has been the best thing I could have possibly done and it all boils down to one central idea that I have struggled to put into words. Then this morning a Socrates quote showed up on my FB page. His quote sang to my heart and it is the perfect explanation for my own magnificent healing!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Leesburg Art Festival is finished!!

video
-It was wonderful to return to the art festival circuit! 
-Packing was a bit awkward, but we figured it out.
-Tent went up relatively well, not as stiff or dusty as one might expect after being in storage for 4 years. 
-It was wicked cold and windy, but our tent held firm, and there were many artists with tents that did not.
-I got to sign the posters that had the image of my Heron on them, when people bought them.  I really felt like a movie star signing autographs. 
-I saw lots of old high school and neighborhood friends, was supported and cheered on by my Orlando art friends, and made new art friends.  Does it get any better???
-Moorings was selected for judging, but it did not win anything.  I was so tickled to have it picked up!
-All in all I sold 4 originals, (Dinghy, Great White Heron (after the show) Sax and Violin) and about a dozen prints. 
-It was hard, I was grossly tired, and I would (and will) do it again in a heart beat!!!
-I loved every minute!!!