life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.
Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, January 27, 2013

2013 First Full Moon

 
 
Drumming on the first full moon of the year. It was quite a few years ago that a dear creative friend introduced me to the first full moon of the year celebrating. It has become a night that I look forward to celebrating, every year, thank you Lillian! We had so much fun, but boy did we miss you!  Reconnecting, and the drum rhythms were amazing.  So much satisfaction to just melt into to the sounds of the night and flow with them.  It turned out to be a marvelous lesson for moving forward with my life.  Just melt into it and flow!
 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I should have known better


I should have known better….Anytime any piece of hardware or software promotion says “The easy new way to___________” Do not believe it!

In a world where technology moves so much faster than me I am chronically mired down in a technology learning curve and I am well down on the left hand side of that curve.

Last month my trusty and well-worn Windows 7 laptop took a hard drive dive. Replacing it meant I was forced into the Windows 8 world well before I was ready, and for that fact, well before Windows 8 was ready, also. Hours and hours of frustrating, “it don’t work like that anymore” issues!  

Just about the time I had a quasi-handle on my new computer operating system, UMASS has decided to upgrade their online learning system. AUGGGGGHHHHH! Enough already! I am a firm believer the “if it ain’t broken DO NOT fix it” mentality. Unfortunately that type of thinking does not sell more software or hardware.

Then yesterday…in an attempt to access the latest simple credit card acceptance technology, which in theory is so very cool, was met with another overdose of overwhelming amount of technical learning curve before I could even participate. I was immersed in Square up software technology that allows merchants to accept credit cards from any location. A little “hickey” that clicks into the audio jack input on your data enabled cell phone that will swipe a credit card, send an email or text receipt to the client (with a picture of what they purchased), and automatically make the deposit into your bank account. (For us OLD “knuckle buster”credit card people, it does away with the daily chore of batching and sending in the day’s receipts for processing and payment). What was promised as the easiest method to accept payment from anywhere, turned out to be a miserable journey to yet another technical learning situation when I found out the smart phone (that I have finally after 3 years learned how to work) does not have the latest necessary operating system. So there is a new phone updated correct android operating system on its way here. I am certain it will take hours of study before I can answer a phone call, much less text, and I shudder at the thought of what it is going to take to accept credit cards.

I should have known better.
 

Friday, January 25, 2013

a piece of cake!

The heart generates the largest electromagnetic field in the body. . . The electrical field is about 60 times greater in amplitude than the brain waves. The magnetic component of the heart's field, which is around 100 times stronger than that produced by the brain. . . can be measured several feet away from the body.
-Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.

 A heart with all of this incredible energy has got to be much more capable of healing than doctors are willing to give me, or anyone else credit for. It is amazing to me that the medical industry will not even attempt to admit to the possibility of a heart physically healing. Even though they will easily acknowledge the development of “collateral” arteries. (arteries that develop and/or grow larger to go around damage to supply the heart with blood).

If we all can agree that the heart is an amazing muscle, then why does it make sense to medicate and slow down. This is not how to facilitate a muscle healing, it only insures atrophy and certain failure.

They have no idea what MY body can do. This body made two human beings, fixing and healing a broken and damaged heart should be a piece of cake! And we all know how much I love cake!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Check off the bucket list...and yes….I will be wearing clothes!

I am so excited! Just had one of my pieces accepted (one of two) that I submitted for Nude Nite. So, if we were in baseball season, I would be batting 500. For what it is worth, we could only submit a maximum of 2 pieces. I would love to have had both works in that show, better chance of selling more, but I will take a ride on the one.

Years and years ago when Nude Nite had just begun, I did it a couple of times, but have sat out for many years. Most of the time I was out on the road doing the outdoor shows and at the time was the mother of 2 "OMG mother you wouldn't do that" teenage boys. They are all grown up now and perhaps even appreciate having a weird Mom.

This feels exciting and almost like starting over again. Back to the very beginning, trying to figure it all out.  Is it going to be different this time or will I end up back in the same place.

But in the meantime….I think I will take a walk on the wild side,  not try to figure everything out.... just play, dance, watch...and enjoy Nude Nite.

(and yes….I will be wearing clothes)

                                                                                Yay...that's our Marla E from last summer's class!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Woo-hoo me! 2 Miles!

2 miles…2 miles…2 miles…back up to 2 miles…not all at one time like I used to be…but I made it! 3 months ago they told me to slow down, and I gave up going to gym completely because I just could not keep up without 2 or 3 nitros, but the treadmill at home I can go until I need to stop get off…rest...and go again. 2 miles today! Good for my heart, but delightfully good for my head! Woo-hoo me!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Either Give Me a Crown or...

Danielle LaPorte in one sentence described me,better that I could have done myself, “a whore for synchronicity”. I crave the connection, the information, something or anything that confirms I am moving in the right direction. 

“Either give me a crown or, just make me a soldier of the day to day because being an artist is making me bleed.”

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Universe is screaming at me, and I do not understand.

Yesterday evening…
Max (the cat) died, for no identifiable reason. A big, 8 year old, strong, 20 pound “take no prisoners” got more attitude than most people I know, cat. Unexpected and unprepared, a spear through the heart would not have hurt as much. Max was not a “kitty” or a “pussy” cat. Max was a CAT, initially a rescued feral, with a slew of medical problems of his own, he reminded me daily, how tough he was. He reminded me daily how tough I need to be. I cannot believe how much I miss him. Where will I find his strength? 

This morning…
I have 2 clocks in my bedroom, one 50 year old clock was my grandmothers, it does not work, but hangs on my wall as a decorative reminder of my grandmother, the other an old fashioned wind up alarm clock. It is the “back up” insurance for the cell phone alarm, only used when it is really important that I wake up on time, and has not been wound in well over a year. 

As I dressed this morning I heard a ticking, certain the ceiling fan had developed some kind of problem; I went to the wall to turn it off. The ticking continued and I realized it was my grandmother’s clock. As I closely examined the clock, to come up with some plausible explanation to why after all this time it would suddenly begin working again, the wind up clock on my bedside dresser alarm went off.

Life….Loss…Time….?  Please, What are you trying to tell me? What am I not seeing?

Sunday, January 13, 2013

…and the answer is very clear

If you are not sure or in my case, scared to death, the answer will come if you "put it out into the universe". I have preached this for years. As I look back on the past few months the answer to the question I have been too afraid to ask, has been appearing.  I was unable to see it or put the pieces together. I did not officially put it out in the Universe, I was sure that my sick heart had insured that there was no question. 

Although I was unaware of the question, the answer began coming anyway, not like a lightning bolt, not in one sitting or a single event.  There have been several different situations that like a jig saw puzzle, required assembly on my part.

It has been several years since I have been on the outdoor art festival circuit, first it was the economy, then the heart attack. Scared and broke I retreated, I quit doing one of the things I loved the most and I gave up my gypsy spirit.  

Helping a friend prepare for her first show several months ago, I celebrated her courage and excitement but inside of me, after she left, I was in tears. My heart ached and I wanted it to be me preparing for an outdoor art show.

I was chosen as an outdoor art festival poster artist for the Leesburg Art Festival (even though I did not apply for the honor) and it obligates me to participate in their actual outdoor art festival, still scared to death I did not recognize this as the universe screaming at me to get back out on the streets. Fear blocked my ability to appreciate all of the facets of this marvelous gift  and I still did not get it.

This morning Skip mentioned the Spring Maitland Art Festival application came in the mail, which will be a few weeks after the Leesburg show. His comment was the show is close, it will be fun.  There is live jazz and wine on Friday night, (I love jazz and wine), it is close, you can sleep in your own bed, (I had come to really detest hotels).   I immediately answered "no", not ready, I am afraid, and besides I already threw the application away.

....I went in the kitchen, fished the application out of the garbage and faced my fears.  

Do I want to spend the rest of my life wishing I had done the things I love? Do I want to continue the fear of my physical heart? And finally all of the pieces of the “answer” puzzle that the universe has been laying out in front of me began to fit together.

Is it a good thing for me, for my heart?  That is no longer the question. Is it the right thing for my soul, my life and the reason I am on this earth is the question…and the answer is very clear.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Let it go...

I suspect a good healthy dose of fear is the best way to wake me up to my life. 

After spending so much of my life trying to avoid it, pretending it is not there I am beginning to finally recognize that instead of hurting and making me feel afraid, fear can in fact be one of my greatest teachers. But make no mistake about it, fear is not a gentle teacher.  

Fear targets my most vulnerable place. My first knee jerk reaction is to protect myself by striking back, ignoring, feeling sorry for myself or taking on any emotional position that protects me.

I need to remember every day, every day to allow the fear to penetrate my soul, examine it, expose the lesson it has come to teach me and then…

Let it go.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Split Personality Issue

The spiritual “airy-fairy” part of me wants to simply rejoice in gratitude and be thrilled with the events of each day as it unfolds, with no concern for the past or the future.
 But the deep-seated dark corporate part of me wants desperately to have a clear cut path and a solid long-term goal with measurable progress reports.

My challenge this year will have to be how to take the best of these parts of me and meld them together into one enjoyable, fulfilling, simple, creative, love filled functioning life.

But for now I am still wrestling with the split personality issue!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A Picture is a Secret About a Secret

"Double Crossed"
"A picture is a secret about a secret,
the more it tells you the less you know."
                                                                   Diane Arbus
 And I thought I was the only one… Quite some time ago, around the time that I read the Da Vinci Code, my curiosity was peaked. Could an artist actually “hide” information or symbols in their art that could and would speak to specific viewers to “see” more or “read” alternative meanings in the art?  The Da Vinci Code’s main character, symbologist Robert Langdon, interpreted “ \/” as a the female, a chalice and “/\” as the male, the blade in the famous Da Vinci fresco of the “Last Supper”. I was mesmerized by this concept, and immediately began playing with those simple symbols. “Double Crossed” was the incredible result of that first experiment. Since then, I have tried this concept several more times, each time I am more and more surprised at the amount of secrets that a single picture can hold.
                                                                                           My art holds all of my secrets!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Fear of failure no longer serves me....


Welcome 2013! …as I reluctantly let go of 2012…
Last year was a wonderful, happy, fulfilling year, I selfishly want more of that!
My resolution is simply more courage…less fear.
I gained more confidence, more acceptances and more energy than I thought would ever be possible again. My biggest fear, as always will be that I lose it. I am learning to focus on the courage it will take to go full steam ahead, 100% into my future, whatever that future turns out to be. I am learning to ignore pain & fear; they have no more to teach me.  

I may fail, oh hell, I am certain that I will fail ….at creating…at relationships…at money…at taking care of myself, but fear of failure no longer serves me and I let go of it today. Jan 1, 2013