life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Sweet-Sweet Good Days!


Whew!  I was way over due for a good day and got a spectacular one today!  A delightful meeting with an art center about teaching! 

Delivered an original piece to its’ new owner.

Delivered I hi-res scan of the Great White Heron that is going to be used for the Leesburg Art Festival poster in March 2013.

Oh how nice to be coming out of that nasty funk!  I understand the ugly days are a necessary part of life.  How would we recognize the good days, if we did not have the bad ones?  Those nasty, ugly, bad days sure do make the good days sweet!




Monday, October 15, 2012

Head vs. Heart


I am just now learning how to “step outside of myself” to look at life and situations from a different, less emotional perspective. When handling difficult circumstances or making important decisions it is the most valuable emotional “ tool” in my box. Working from a strict “head” position has some serious advantages!

It is interesting that in today’s world so much of the media, marketing, medical and political industry are counting on me working strictly from my heart and fear. Fear (heart) is how we are controlled, thinking and common sense (head) is how we stop this.

In a recent medical situation, when I stepped beyond my emotions, and pragmatically looked at what was being done and why, it was grossly evident that these actions were not about my health needs but the desires of the financial and legal liability of others.

Using my head allowed me to take my power back, to listen, to hear and to make an intelligent decision without struggling with my fear and emotions. However, regardless of how much control I have of a situation, I often feel my heart creeping in to complicate the issue.

My heart, my emotions are mine, they are personal, they give me the ability to love, they give me the power to create, they define who I am. I cannot allow them to be used against me, so I will not behave in ways that others feel are appropriate or for their personal or financial gain. Allowing others into my heart gives them power over my head.   It is a war.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Loosing Ground


I had to stop, re-group and remember this one, because I am angry and I want desperately to “throw dirt” at the medical industry.  

It is more business and less care. Fashioned after a corporate manufacturing business that produces immediate results, efficiency and profits, they have forgotten at its roots it should be about people. In emergency health situations, immediate results are easy to identify but in long-term chronic illnesses, they are truly in need of work.  

The medical industry plugs every health situation into a standard rubric to come up with the logical (you will be cured) conclusion. They have not figured out that chronic illness and our lives already have a “standard” conclusion, but it will not fit into the, “you will be cured” rubric. Trying to mash me into that rubric makes me (and the medical industry) feel like a failure. 

Nobody wins! 

It does not have to be like this! 

It should not be like this!


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

i am just pooped...

Pity party ALERT

There are days that this is really really hard. More than the physical issues, the emotional part of this makes it so grueling. There are days it just does not seem worth the struggle. Some days my heart hurts, but my head keeps me together. Other days my head is exhausted but I am so grateful that my wonderful heart is still working, and then there are days like today, when my head and my heart crap out at the same time. It is overwhelming and I begin to wonder why I am doing this. I am very tired. I know I should be grateful, but have to wonder when this will all be over? I am so ready for it to be done. I am just pooped…

saving my heart...




Monday, October 8, 2012

AMA again....

A day at the hospital was absolutely horrible.  I have been poked, prodded and pushed and the only answer was... that they wanted me to stay for a day or 2 longer in the cardiac unit, so they can do more. I cannot do more! Why can’t they understand, I cannot do more emotionally!  I cannot do more financially!  I cannot do hospitals.  I do not want to be sick, I do not want be around sick people and places.  I do not need molecular, enzymatic, nuclear electrical answers, to everything?  Just make this stop. I cannot stay in a hospital while they just look around and do test after test to tell me what I already know. I have another hospital black mark on my name and I have checked out AMA again. Why won't they understand?  Why don't they understand? 
Never again...
Never again!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Razor's Edge

Sometimes, I think too hard.
Should I damn the torpedoes (or the feelings of others) just make myself happy with all the art and passion, I can get, while I can?

Should I “not rock the boat” maintain the status quo, be the good girl, make everyone else happy?

Should I aspire to the higher good, leave a lasting mark on the world?

Every day I wake up with a different focus and a limited amount of time.  I should be able to choose and focus on at least one of the above, but cannot settle on one or the other.
Is there some way I can do it all? 
Is this the razor's edge I am trying to avoid by NOT chosing?