life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Friday, June 29, 2012

Got any idea how awesome this is?


Got any idea how awesome this is?

Tickets for "Pairings" went on sale today!  My first solo exhibition since….well  you know.  So many ugly days passed when  thought I was never going to be able have my art and my life back, but here it is!  Here it is!  Here it is!  Keep pushing-Keep pushing, I can never give up who I am and why I am here, ever again!

I get knocked down but I get up again, and I am dancing!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Marvelous Rhythm!


Life has a rhythm, and sometimes I need to pay more attention!  I let a dear artist friend slip out of my life several years ago.  Our paths seem to separate when his entire collection of art, more than 10 years of work was purchased by a major museum and his career took off on a course most artists can only dream about.  While I was still dragging my art and a tent all over the southeast, selling one piece at a time, he and his work were sky rocketing.   We lost touch and all of those wonderful conversations and shared experiences about art, creating and (augh….) art marketing slipped away. 
I did not realize how much I missed those brilliant exchanges. 

Then today, like no time had passed, our lives, art and awesome conversations began again, just like we had talked to each other last week.   We are both back in the studio, approaching the art from a new perspective, and learning how to say “no” to other people’s expectations of what art should or should not be. 

Marvelous rhythm!

find some way to break the rules...


“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady.  I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there.  And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.”    –Nora Ephron
I let fear and disgusting amount of “proper-ness” slip into my life.  It has taken the death of a phenomenal female writer/director to remind me that neither my life nor my work will be better served by following other people’s ideas.   This revelation is just in time, as I am getting ready to do some serious editing to my next exhibition.  

Mediocrity serves others, but never serves me or my work.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Lots of Balls in the Air….


Whew…can I keep them all up?
Artist Way Group in full swing, and beginning to get the group exhibition A.K.A.  Celebration of Creativity off the ground.  Boxes of boxes delivered!  Black Foam Board on the way and a mess of creatives chomping at the bit!  Still lots and lots to do! 

LCA Music and Art Pairings exhibit is moving slower.   Some of it my fault, other issues from the frame supply wholesaler, what a disaster. Catalog just about ready for the printer.  Tons of framing still to do not to mention packing to ship.   I can see some last minute all-nighters in my future. And I still do not have a firm installation date, YIKES!
Feeling good about stepping back up into a full schedule, but will confess it is much much more physically difficult than I had planned.

The real trick is going to be..... keeping all of these balls in the air!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Because she chooses…



If you stacked my good choices against my bad choices, the bad choices would surely tower over the good ones!  My life has been ever so much more exciting because I have made so many “bad” choices!  Those bad choices, hold the best memories and the greatest lessons of my fantastic life!
I do not regret any of my choices!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back


One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Should have this one tattooed to my fore head! 
Living from emotions and heart, not always a good idea. 
I just do not know how to do it any other way, and I am not sure I would if I could.  
The unbridled giggleing  is worth the hurt.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Revealing my Feelings….


This is harder than it seems, some days I am better at it than others.  It is not just the difficulty of discovering and then revealing feelings, but how and who to reveal them to.
A very few have the strength to listen, most are afraid and none will understand what this truly feels like until they have been here.  And I would not wish this on anyone. 

Revealing my feelings means risking relationships. 

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Celebrating!


Celebrating a friend’s good news,  celebrating a perfectly beautiful day.  Celebrating how incredibly fortunate I am to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I spend so much time and energy trying to forget, and then one quick fleeting event opens that ugly door and reality floods in and it is overwhelming.   It is horribly overwhelming, and I forget to celebrate all that I have. 
   Not celebrating years, celebrating days,  every day, every day, every day!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

thought Monday would never end....


It went on and on and on and every hour that passed brought on new sets of problems.  I felt like I was stomping out fires the whole day.  It was one of those days that there was NO forward movement, all energy expended did nothing but MAINTAN or repair existing….Makes me think just how much of this  is worth spending my time, money and energy on.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

It's a Fat Feet Day


Fat feet do not hurt, although they feel really weird.
Fat feet do not hurt, but they look incredibly disgusting.
Fat feet do not hurt, but it is a crappy reminder that my heart is struggling.
Fat feet do not hurt!




Friday, June 8, 2012

The Life that is Waiting...


I have always held hard and firm to this kind of creative free thinking, but am finding if more and more difficult to walk away from the old familiar life and plans. 
When life is running smoothly “letting go of the life I had planned” was a very easy and seductive statement.  But when it turned upside down,  I found myself running straight for all of those unreliable things that I had already stepped away from. Security, acceptance, and approval …….from everyone, but myself.

In rare spurts of clarity I recover small pieces of the past me but it is coming so uncomfortably slow and in weak moments that  find myself gravitating back  towards depending on others  for my security, acceptance and approval.

I know that I must be willing to get rid of my old life to move forward, but I want, NO I need, to hold on to some of my old life.  The woman that was invincible against all odds.  The woman that was physically strong, the woman that was emotionally formidable, not caring what others thought.  She had total control of who and what she let into her heart. 

Or given the current situation, I have to wonder is this what broke my heart?
I wonder if I should be heading back to the hard impenetrable emotions of my past life, or continue to leave myself vulnerable,  stripped and wide open for pain,  doubt and uncertainty to walk in.

 What kind of life is waiting for me?

Thursday, June 7, 2012

little girls cry, big girls say....

And I seem to be caught between the two….
I want to scream fuck…. just as soon as I finish crying.  All of the control I thought I had over my own life and emotions  have been seriously tested and I find myself in a ridiculous struggle with me.  This is not what I had planned and certainly not what I expected.
Damn!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I will not live in fear anymore!

I want a whole life.
not this stunted partial version of a life.
I will not live in fear anymore!


I am going to seize my days as fully as this heart and body permit,
I want passionate living to open me fully
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to open my heart until I become completely uninhibited,

free of doubt and worry.
I will not live in fear anymore.

I choose to risk my significance;

for a chance to experience a whole life,
full of unbridled strength, love and happiness.

I will not live in fear anymore!


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Pay No Attention to the Woman Behind the Curtain

The other night among creative friends, we played an interesting card game.  It was more than a game and I have heard people talk about these kinds of cards, but never really felt compelled to participate in that kind of “tarot” like fortune telling.  As we went around the circle drawing cards and then reading and discussing the interpretation, I was absolutely astounded in how accurate the cards and the explanations seemed to be.
It was my turn, and I drew a right side up wolf.   The interpretation was a teacher, a teacher?  I thought that was interesting, but not so sure it was correct.  The truth is I do something that looks like teaching, but I never saw it as that.  For the most part I use Julia Cameron’s description of what I do, “facilitator”.  Facilitator made so much more sense.  I cannot teach anyone how to be creative, they already know .  I gently and safely facilitate their journey to the path of their own creativity and happiness.  I only help them see what is already there.  For the most part I feel like once a year we all go on a journey to the Wizard of OZ, where at the end Dorothy finds out all she had to do was click her heels and speak out loud what she wanted.  The power was within her all along.
Throughout the summer, new creatives will often compliment and thank me for what I do. Although I truly appreciate the accolades, my first reaction is like the exposed wizard in the movie hiding behind the curtain.  We are both desperately manipulating levers, and buttons frantically searching for the magic combination that will produce a big “ta-da” moment in life,  while sternly announcing,  “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”.
The wolf card says I am a teacher…
Julia Cameron calls it a facilitator;
I  just call it a creative.
I have the same fears and am just as scared as everyone else in class.  The only difference is I expose my fear and failures so others will see the grief and the joy of being an artist.  When I fail, when I succeed, it will give others the courage to do the same,
I just do it out loud.
Teacher?
Facilitator?
Pay no attention to the woman-teacher-facilitaror behind the curtain!
But watch the creative!

As the creative is carefully watching for her own teachers, past and present that will take her to that place in the world where  she is suppose to be.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Sunset and a Blue Moon...




Every once in a blue moon
the most phenomenal things can happen!

VoG Women Celebrations

It is seldom the big events of life that stick with me, but the small miracles and little celebrations that prove to be my life’s defining moments.
We have all walked together the past few years passing through unspeakable tragedies and remarkable successes.  Last night was like coming home to welcoming arms! 
Recently our friend had to move from her home she had loved and lived in for 17 years.  While she was there, she had shared the ownership with a special few, when she invited  us to come paint her fence and celebrate the creation of a new garden.   She is warm, loving, talented, supportive, honest, open, vulnerable and strong all wrapped up in a singular spectacular package.
She had to give up her little home and magnificent garden to make major life course corrections, and moved  into a small apartment,  bestowing  on those that loved her,  all of the treasures of that wonderful little garden that she could not take with her to the small gardenless apartment.  Her, bells, candles, plants, and precious ceramics all found new homes in each of our separate gardens and the memory of that special night that we painted her fence stayed alive in our hearts and imaginations.

It seemed so right that all of those garden gifts she shared with each of us return home to her as she begins this new part of her life in her brand new home with a brand new garden.   

And, so they did.   
I am reminded how lucky I am to have these extraordinary women to laugh with, grieve with, cry and celebrate life with.
Welcome home Elle, welcome home!