life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Thursday, March 22, 2012

Crash Test Dummy!


I have a squeaky clean driving record, my friends have been accusing me of driving like an old grandma, long before I really was an old grandma! I typically respond to this accusation by snapping back, oh yea…how many tickets/accidents do you have. Not too witty, but it makes my point.

I was in an accident yesterday, I am not hurt, neither is the other guy. By the way…I was at a stop light, stopped when the guy hit me, from the back! What I need to grouse about is the police/insurance aftermath (and we are not to the repairs yet).

The accident happened less than 2 blocks from the police station, I could see their building from the location where we pulled off the road to wait their arrival. It still took 20 minutes for them to arrive, hummmmm? OK-OK there could have been more serious business for them to take care of somewhere else but then 3 different cops show up, whaaaaat? One writes up the accident report the other 2 are very busy on their cell phones…..it was NOT police business. An hour and a half later he has meticulously filled in the police report, by the way he does have excellent penmanship, he has typed both of our license numbers into a laptop mounted on his motorcycle, to make certain we were not convicted felons on the lamb. An hour and a half????

The insurance company has been another eye-opening experience; every word I have said to them has been recorded. I have no idea what I am getting into. The other guy was ticketed for careless driving, but the insurance company says that “fault” has not yet been officially determined. Huh????? After the last couple of days, I am beginning to feel like I was the one at fault.

I am beginning to really feel like a crash test dummy.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

5 things I am grateful for...


1. Some very scary, bad and raunchy pain is going away, whew!
2. I am finishing the last load of laundry…I know that does not seem to exciting, but last week I felt like crap and the dryer broke (I hate spending money to fix appliances that I would rather NOT be using at all). Skip & I were able to fix it ourselves and it works! And I am feeling good enough to DO laundry!
3. I am wearing a new-old shirt. I threw this shirt in the trash yesterday, I did not like it because it just did not look or feel good on me. Then I saw a Pinterest pin on how to recycle an old button down shirt, and I fished the shirt out of the trash and tried it! It worked!
4. I finished my anthropology essay on time and now I have a week of school off…Spring Break!
5. Could the weather be any better!




Friday, March 16, 2012

reality...

Pain is not a "thing" in itself; it is a sensation, which I have labeled as bad.  I think the hurting has been more emotional than physical; I have had such a wonderful few months full of energy and hope.  I was certain that I was going to be the only one to beat this.  Ugly sensations usher in reality and I am afraid.

Friday, March 9, 2012

An art show- is an art show- is an art show

Here we go, it's like dipping my big toe back in the pool. 
Although it is not really an  outdoor art show, it is outdoors and it is an art show and....
(here's the rub) it requires hauling a ton "of stuff". 
Loading very slowly about 1 heavy thing an hour....
but my stick people....are so much easier to carry than the old framed art!
Creativity
ALWAYS FINDS A WAY!

Friday, March 2, 2012

OK-OK.... If WE Get Caught-Here is the Story!

Embracing the Pain

I never question or avoid the positive experiences of my life that bring me joy and happiness, what if I did the same for the other emotions I fear so much, like pain, fear, anger, and loneliness?”


Emotions, whether they are uplifting and joyful, or sorrowful and scary—come to teach me. Once I began to surrender and embraced all of life and the lessons, I was able to let go of my tendency to seek someone to blame. The cycle of being the victim is slowly disappearing, and being replaced with my own growth and healing.

I am learning to embrace the darkness within my soul, all the while shining a light on it,

I can better see the depth and darkness of my pain.

It shows me where the source of my suffering resides: It was in me all along.

I am going with the flow that life offers.

I am learning a new way of coping, and I let myself feel the course of life.

I am embracing the pain and suddenly it isn’t so painful.