life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Did It!

Have you ever had a day that you worked, struggled, and grappled all day long, to simply maintain normal?

You know the ones that begin like any other regular day and quickly degrade into total chaos, where problems unfold one after the other with absolutely no warning and no time to catch your breath between them?

A day like yesterday!

And when the incredibly horrible day was finally over…I felt like I should regale each and every catastrophe, whine about the unfairness of it all, and then blame and complain to anyone that would listen. After all, that is how I had always done it before.

But surprisingly I find myself simply wanting to celebrate. I made it through a really crummy day, with all of its challenges, I figured it out, I fixed it, and I did it!

Woo-Hoo me!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

What if

What if...

Doctors could see me
instead of my disease or finanacial status,
saw symptoms as a language,
my body’s very intelligent way of communicating,
saw themselves primarily as healing facilitators,
instead of disease managers,
and
understood that I have more power to heal me,
than all of the medicine they posess?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

"Your Time is Limited" by Steve Jobs

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” ~ Steve Jobs

Healing

Healing does not mean curing. Healing does not eliminate disease or distress. Healing applies to me as a whole, curing only applies to a disease. If my life becomes identified by a disease it leads others to assume there is something faulty in this situation. Maybe this is why I detest doctors so much and shy away from people that love (feel sorry) for me, they only see me as a disease, incurable and faulty.

Maybe incurable, but definitely not faulty or capable of healing!

Monday, August 22, 2011

I Know What is Possible

Peace is available to me when I quit spending my life trying to reconstruct the past or manage the future. What is here NOW is so satisfying, so loving, and so unbelievably simple that once tasted, it changes everything. Now that I know what is possible, I cannot allow myself to settle for anything less.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

What Do I Do Next?

Itchy to do something but I cannot figure out what!

Maybe it is an overload of HGTV (we just got cable) and think I should be creating some incredible piece of furniture out of someone else’s cast off. Then after a few episodes of “Hoarders” I am looking at my studio from another point of view. Wonder if they will send one of those big “Got Junk?” trucks to my house?

Artist’s Way Classes have ended, the exhibition is hung, the opening has successfully happened, and the grandchildren have come and gone home.

It is not that I do not have a ton of things that need to be and should be done, it is a question of whether I want to do them!

I am having an attack of “What do I do next?”



3 days later.....
HGTV won out and I ended up at the Habitat Re-Store buying then cleaning up and painting porch chairs! While out on the patio I attacked by a seriously pissed off mosquitto, Now I really am itchy!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Correct + Safe + Certain = Scared

I don’t get to know what will end when.
I don’t get to know how long things will last.

I can play the odds;
align myself with the correct probability for maximum longevity, comfort, and ease.
Or I can focus on the possibilities that excite me and enjoy the journey.

I can choose the path of safe minimal loss and change;
Or I can get clear about what I want to do now,
and passionately embrace the unknown, figuring out the way as I go.

I can choose a group consensus, support, and medical assistance but even that is not certain.
Or follow my heart! (I am full of power when I follow my passion!)

The irony about choosing the path that seems correct, safe and certain is that it only guarantees one thing:

I will go through life wondering how things could have been
if only I wasn’t so scared.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

All I have to.....

All I have to know
is that there will always be secrets.

All I have to understand
is that this is all they know how to do.

All I have to recognize
is that there will always be rationalizations.

All I have to do
is consciously choose not to participate.

All I have to learn
is how to let this go.
no more, no more