life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Sunday, October 31, 2010

All Hallow's Eve

Two vampires
A witch
A ninja
A ghost
How fun!
I missed halloween last year,
not missing this year!
Here comes another ghost and
an e-mail from University of Miami
stem cell research....

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I Wonder if He Knows.

Gauguin inscribed on one of his pieces,
“Where do we come from?"
"What are we?"
"Where are we going?”

If he were still alive,
I would answer him.

I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.

I wonder if he knows now?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The official list of "I Hate It When’s"

So, in the interest of my sanity, and my one year anniversary and since this is the forum to express myself; not the doctor’s office, I will keep this short and pithy…

I hate it when, I am forced to think about breathing or my heart beating.

I hate it when, my heart flip-flops and scares the be-Jesus out of me.

I hate it when my toes look and feel like "Snausages" doggie treats.

I hate it when, I have to tell Skip I don’t feel good —again.

I hate it when, I feel like death warmed over.

I hate it when, the nurse takes my blood while fighting with her boyfriend on a cell phone crooked in her neck.

I hate it when, I think of doctors (but I suspect they hate thinking about me, too)... We’re even!

I hate it when, doctors toss pills around like candy and....oh hell, I'm not going there....

I hate it when, my chest hurts and feels so full, I would not be surprised if the next moment looked like a scene from "Alien".

But...
I love that I am still here and I can come to this blog, and be myself, whatever myself is that day.

OOOOH...That felt good!

Happy Anniversary Heart, You are doing a great job!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Options

Acceptance is the foundation of emotional options.
If you are not accepting the facts,
nothing else will work.
That’s all!

The ability to exercise my emotional options rests on a foundation of acceptance.
Acceptance is the absolute prerequisite to beginning,
NOT ENDING!
A year ago, the beginnings of this stage of my life were fear, despair, shame, fear, guilt, resentment and fear.
Oh, Did I forget to mention fear?
All of these starting points had one thing in common.
They are all rooted in giving up all of my other emotional options.

I have a second chance to begin again by celebrating life, choosing acceptance and exercising all of my emotional options!

PS..these are the flowers and the second installments to "MY HEART" book that wonderful creative friends gave me, and Terry got me a totem and soap. It was like Christmas!

Don't I have some kick-butt friends?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I Have the World's Greatest Kids!

Grown, responsible, awesome, marvelous children! How did I get so lucky? I am blessed!

Learning to Let it All In

I have done more damage not acknowledging difficult emotions. It is time to let them all in, deal with them, then let them go. I cannot change the past.


All That We Let In Indigo Girls

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Healing my Heart

The family calendar (my sister publishes every year) is completely void of anything Cheryl, no birthday, no anniversary, or admission that I am alive.
I do not exist.

The same holds true for my brother, without the tangible calendar evidence.
I do not exist.

There are no discussions, we do not argue or fight.
We do not owe each other money or property.
We simply did not agree with each other at sometime in the past.

I need all of my heart, to heal my heart,
I acknowledge the damaging blockade in my heart created by the pain I ignored.
I am letting go all hope of having a loving relationship in the future or a chance to repair the damage from the past.

I release my resentment and hurt.
I allow myself to grieve.
I forgive.
I exist.

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Emotions I Knew

Big life changes are the breeding grounds for negative emotions!

I am scared, I am not good enough and it is just too hard
slip into my thought process without me realizing it and certainly without my permission.

I know these negative emotions have been and always will be with me, but I want to get back the emotions I knew, the emotions that made me strong, creative and confident.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Will I ever have control?

The one thing that makes me, ME are my emotions.
They are the same things that take over and create insurmountable amounts of grief and chaos.
My head and intelligence knows what should be done, then my heart and emotions take over, and it becomes a pandemonium.
Will I ever have control of these emotions?